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Unstable relationship with my sister

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  • #125516
    Maria
    Participant

    Hi everyone.
    My relationship with my younger 18-year-old sister is incredibly unstable. Throughout my life when things went wrong she would reverberate all those faults, from breaking up with a boyfriend to failing one exam out of many. Sometimes she shows me compassion however it is rare and during a time when I was very lonely (all my friends moved away to other cities for university) she would tell her own friends how I have nobody and nobody likes me. When she said that comment, I began to cry silently so when my mother came to say goodnight, I couldn’t reply- I stayed underneath the covers crying. My sister acknowledged that I didn’t reply and said I was a genuinely horrible person and it upset me so much because it feels like my sister hates me through ignorance. I admit there has been times I have shouted at her after she said things like that, and my mum got stressed after so I immediately regretted it. (At this point it feels like I’m only trying to maintain a relationship with my sister to please my mum who hates when we argue).
    I found out last year about mindfulness and I’ve been trying to maintain a mindful approach when it comes to communicating with my sister but there are some comments that are too much for me and trigger an immediate response for me to become angry and start crying. No matter how much deep breathing practices I do, in that moment of anger, I just feel hurt and forget a calm mind. I would love to improve my relationship with my sister but no matter how much I try to reach out to her, it feels like we simply won’t be able to. She is not a very affectionate person and refuses to hug or say loving words back to me or my mother. So if we cannot improve our relationship that way, how would I go about improving my attitude in order to accept her comments and actions calmly?
    Thank you for taking the time to read this.

    #125574
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maria:

    I think it is the wrong aim, to aim at accepting abuse calmly. Wrong value, wrong practice. It is natural to feel angry when abused, when attacked (verbally, in your case)- and it is natural for a reason. In nature, when attacked, the animal, feels angry so to be motivated to defend itself. In nature is unhealthy, dangerous for an animal to be attacked. Same is true for us humans.

    Don’t try to eliminate your anger; instead aim to eliminate the attacks, the abuse. Assert yourself with your sister. Let her know you will not accept her abuse of you.

    Better to not be in the situation with her where that happens, but for as long as you live with her- separate yourself from her best you can; do not engage with her; do not give her the opportunities to criticize you; do not make yourself available to her. And then, assert yourself with her.

    Don’t try to reach out to her, as in: “please, please… will you be nice to me?” No, assert as in: “Don’t talk to me. We live in the same home, for now, but I don’t want to talk with you more than is absolutely necessary. I am not interested in your opinions about me, your criticism- keep those things to yourself.”

    Something like that.

    anita

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