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Unsure about my future. Stuck in relationships, family and guilt

Home→Forums→Relationships→Unsure about my future. Stuck in relationships, family and guilt

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  • July 28, 2015 at 7:49 am #80631
    Abhishek
    Participant

    Hello friends,

    Apologies if this post is longer.

    Let me first give a brief about my background. I am a 27 year male from India. I was diagnosed from OCD when i was 18 and have been on medication for last 8-9 years. Recently I was diagnosed with another form of Relationship OCD ( I obsess a lot about if i love my partner, if she loves me, if this is the right relationship etc and this behavior causes lot of anxiety). In last 8 years, I had been through 4 breakups and all of them have been very painful. Currently I am dating a girl and I find her to be best match for me and I have decided I won’t let my doubts ruin this.

    As I told I am from India and it’s a very conservative society. Society is divided into different caste and I belong to one of them. My parents think that if i marry someone from other caste, it will defame family name and they won’t be able to show up their face to my relatives. Now this girl I am dating is not from my caste and my family are against it. They want me to break it up and go for arrange marraige where I will see girls from my own community.

    Now I am stuck in a triangle. I am a very emotional person and guilt is a parcel I carry. I don’t wanna hurt my parents. Whenever I raise this topic of marrying this girl, they get really sad and starts sounding as if they have no hopes left to live for.
    I don’t wanna hurt this girl. She is so wonderful and doesn’t have any fault if she has to go throught this breakup drama.
    I am unsure about my future. If not this girl then with whom. My past failed realtionships don’t give me any hope of going to arrange marraige and continue it being happy there.
    I feel really guilt everyday as I knew from beginning this problem will show up someday. I feel guilty that I betrayed this girl although I told her from beginning that my parents will create issues.

    I obsess 24 hours trying to find what to do. what to chose. whom to hurt. whats right . whats wrong.

    I am unable to live my own life. Stopped doing things i used to like beacause of the guilt and dilema.

    I don’t know what to do… 🙁

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Abhishek.
    July 28, 2015 at 8:46 am #80637
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear abhi2009:

    I have had severe enough OCD from childhood to 30. About then I stopped doing the great majority of rituals but the thoughts and tendencies are part of my daily life. As I am contemplating your post I am thinking: with your record of relationships and OCD difficulties, the chances that this particular relationship will work out are not that great. Lots of effort and investment on your part- as well as on her part- will need to be done to take this relationship to a good place and maintain it there. And this is independent of the cultural difficulties, your parents’ reactions.

    If you focus on the cultural consequences and the relationship has small chances to survive anyway, then … it is too soon to consider the cultural dynamics? Or, if you give up the relationship, you are not giving up a lifetime relationship but the small possibility of a lifetime relationship. You will be giving up most likely a temporary relationship.

    If I was you- and I am not in so many ways- I would talk to your girlfriend, a lot and find out through communication with her, if there is such quality to the communication itself, such quality that warrants further consideration of the cultural thing.

    If the communication is so great- then there will be a lot to give up following the cultural norms. If the communication is not so great, well… In other words, is the relationship WORTH going to cultural war over?

    Those thoughts you are having- running through your brain- verbalize them to her, that will make the thoughts slow down enough to fit the talking activity itself; it will make the thoughts slow down as you try to be coherent so that she follows your thinking. And talking to her will give you the chance to find out the depth of the communication and “mental intimacy” with her.

    anita

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