This is indeed very true. Right now I have been trying to recall even a single instance when my family ever blamed me for something wrong I did at school or elsewhere. The only incidents I can recall are… not studying well enough, not following their wishes, that painful “I wish I have a son for a doctor in my next life” drama I mentioned earlier. I don’t think they ever told me to correct my behaviour towards others. Even if any teacher or student ever said a word against me in school, they immediately went there to fight with them without even waiting to fully know the situation. I myself got so tired of this that I stopped telling them about school incidents soon after. Like if I failed to do my homework and the teacher made me stand outside the class, I can never imagine my family even reprimanding me for not doing my work and ensuring I did it, rather they’d lament over the extreme torture my delicate legs had to endure for those 30 minutes.

I have always accepted that this kind of behaviour – being angry, not having a filter over my mouth and saying awful and abusive things is wrong. I hated myself for it, I felt seriously bad for Jerry and more than once resolved to never do it again and make her as happy as I could. I did succeed in making her happy too but such incidents occurred again periodically too. I just don’t know why I’m not able to stop myself when something “ticks” me off (in this case, a perceived insult towards family). That “inner voice” kept saying – “yes, it is an insult! If you try to ignore that it’s an insult, and be quiet, I will hail you as a coward forever for failing to defend them!” It was forcing me to say even worse things, but my rational side stopped me saying – “if you say that to her, then whatever chance you stand of reuniting with her will be gone too. ENOUGH.” The only thing I’m glad for.

I cannot be gentle with myself so easily. I only visualize poor Jerry crying quietly alone after reading this vile poison I sent her and I am reminded that nobody but me is directly responsible for this situation. If I had been harsh with myself from the beginning and severely punished myself for abusing her, forced myself to improve day and night, none of this would’ve ever happened.