Anita,

I am only aware of what she has shared with me, not her experience. Her actions are one source of first anger, and now sadness that I am feeling. I was at first angry that she expects me to be able to ‘fix’ our relationship and does not appear to consider her responsibilities in it. Now I am sad that there is a possibility that the pain may be prolonged and something that could be wonderful may not be, because I can only do what I can do.

Of course, there is also the possibility that she is aware of what her contributions, or lack of, will do to the relationship and is working on herself, and will work on the relationship when she is capable of doing so. That one is contrary to her actions and statements that I have observed, but may be true for her at some level. I deeply love her and want us both to be happy. I hope it is together, but if it can’t be, then I hope each of us finds our own happiness. I am sure going to try to find mine.

I apologize if this post seems like it is disjointed. I am feeling very sad. I spent several hours this weekend with my wife and daughter, my daughter and I spend a lot of time together, but rarely with my wife. Things went well, but every time we started to get emotionally intimate, she either distracted herself with her phone or became angry, often times, but not always directed at me. After the weekend, I invited her to attend a local music fest with me and possibly a date night on Friday, since I already had a sitter lined up. For the music festival, she said she would invite a friend, a specific friend that she knows that I do not get along with. For the date night, she said she would think about it. I told her that I did not want to attend the music fest with her friend, a first for me since I usually just go along with her desires. She said that if her friend wasn’t invited, that she wasn’t sure she wanted to go. I told her that I would have to think about it. I have since decided, but not had the conversation yet, that I am going to buy tickets for myself alone and that if her and her friend want to go, then I want to take separate cars and she needs to make childcare arrangements since it is her weekend with our daughter.

Last night, we talked and she still seemed non-committed to the date night and that really bothered me to the point that I talked to her about it today. I told her that when we talked last night, she seemed that she wasn’t that interested in the date night. She said that she really wasn’t. I felt hurt. I told her that I really deeply love her and that I want to rebuild a romantic relationship with her, that the only way that I knew how to do that was to spend time with her and dates made sense in that regard. I told her that if she had other ideas I would like to know them. I also told her that if she wasn’t emotionally ready, I would like to know. She said “I’ll think about it”. Which tells me nothing. She then asked if this is a conversation that I really want to have on the phone. It is not, but she never speaks to me one-to-one except on the phone. I was frustrated by her lack of communication, so I told her that I thought that her anger was preventing her form seeing me for who I am, and from being able to be with me now and look past what has angered her. That she needed to process her anger (probably not the best thing I could have said) and that I could not do that for her, that I can only be who I am now, that I am not the person she knew months ago, and that she was not giving me a chance.

I also told her that it is difficult, frustrating, and hurtful for me to keep reaching out to her and keep expressing my love, only to be rejected and treated with such anger. I also told her that I do not need her, that I will be happy without her, but that I do deeply love her and want to be with her. She responded very reactively with “Well, if you feel that way, you could just file the papers”. There are no papers that we have started or filled out – obliviously referring to divorce proceedings. I asked her if that was what she wanted, because that is not what I want. She said “some days”.

I am at my emotional rope’s end. I have exhausted all of what I know to do. I have given all of the effort that I can give to this. I am faced with what I see as four options and am not sure which way to go.

1. Keep reaching out to her with loving kindness as I can. I fear this will lead to anger and resentment on my part because I get nothing but manipulation and abuse in return.

2. Do nothing. Let her know that I am angry. Intentionally avoid my people pleasing nature and avoid interactions with her, except as necessary to ensure a safe and loving environment for our daughter.

3. Make papers and sign them.

4. Some hybrid of 1 and 2 as my emotional capacity allows, show loving kindness, else protect myself, knowing that she may get upset.

I really need help understanding what to do and I also know no-one knows what I should do, but me.

As I have written this, I realize that I am not ready for 3. I can no longer do 1. Right now I need to do 2. I will eventually go to 4. I guess what I really need is encouragement to do what I feel I need to do.

Anita,

What you say makes a lot of sense. That is kind of what I have been thinking, but the low self esteem part of me want her to give me encouragement. I resolved this morning to absolutely follow #2, then later today, she texted me and said that we could meet for dinner tonight to talk, if I wanted. I really don’t want to talk, unless there is something new to talk about. I thought about it for a while, then responded that I said everything that I needed to say on the phone yesterday, that I was more than happy to meet with her to talk if she wanted to discuss it further, or if she had other things to discuss. I also wished her a good day. She replied that she wanted to talk. So, we are meeting tonight over dinner.

Part of me is very scared that this could be a horrible experience, that she could ask for divorce, that I will become devastated. Part of me thinks that it would be a relief, though not what I want but finally a clear path forward. Part of me thinks that she could possibly open up some emotionally. Part of me thinks she will just tell me to back off. It is really hard to stay centered at the moment. I have to keep telling myself that I do not know what the meeting will entail and that I cannot fret about the future – but oh, those pesky thoughts of doom and demise keep creeping in.

Thank you Anita. I do want to try that.

If she brings it up, I don’t want it, but I also do not want to try to control her. I think I could say something like:

A divorce is not what I want. It really hurts me. I love you and want to make sure I do my part to give the relationship every chance to recover. I cannot stop you if you want a divorce, and would like to do it amicably, but I do ask that you reconsider. Please consider giving it more time. I will on my part, give you more space. If you ever feel differently towards me, then I will be here.

What do you think?

Anita,

That might work. That is a similar response that I gave her when I finally decided to quit fighting on a separation. I told her “OK, I agree that a separation will happen”. The weird thing was, she became even angrier when I agreed and even followed me from room to room, yelling at me, telling me we had to talk about the timing, budget, etc. I kept telling her that we would talk about it when she was calmer and hadn’t been drinking. It got to the point where I left the house and went on a long walk very late at night, just to give myself some space. When I came home, I laid down in bed. She asked if I was angry at her. I wasn’t, I was just sad. I told her no, I was not angry, then I got another earful, getting accused of lying about how I feel. I don’t want another repeat of that night. Thank you for your recommendation. I think that may be what I try. If it is OK, I may like to share how I feel on this tomorrow with you and whomever else may be reading.

Anita,

She did say she wanted a divorce, in the most indirect way she could. (In retrospect, I think that is where a lot of underlying conflict and anger stems from. She is conflict avoidant and I just never knew what her wants and needs were, unless I was sensitive enough at that time to recognize it.) I noticed that she was not wearing her wedding ring when we sat down to dinner. She talked about her day, our daughter, and a lot of other things. Then her tone changed as we spoke about preparing the house for sale. I could tell that she was frustrated at me for not clearing out some belongings that we share, just as I am frustrated at her for not offering to help.

At that point I could tell there was something else that she really wanted to discuss but was afraid to bring it up. I asked her, what else? She said we needed to find a good mediator, that it will take some time and several meetings. I asked her what she meant. I wanted her to tell me what she wanted, not inform me about the mediation process. She couldn’t bring herself to say it, so I asked “Do you want to get a divorce?”. Instead of saying yes, she said that she really still loves me but she can’t live with me, that this has not been fair to me, that I keep getting hurt, and that I deserve better. I agreed with her. I told her that if she wants a divorce, that we could do that and I pulled off my wedding ring. All of this was in a very calm and non-reactive manner.

At that point, her demeanor became much more relaxed. We talked about a lot of things and made great connection. We made an agreement to have the house ready for sale by the beginning of July. She kept offering me advice to move in with my sister, which felt more like telling me what to do than advice. I told her that I don’t want to live with my sister and since she keeps bringing it up, though I know she does not intend it that way, it comes across as telling me what to do. She realized that and instead of getting defensive, she said she didn’t mean it that way and would stop offering me advice on my next living location. Then we spoke about apartment locations in the area closer to where she is living. Through this conversation, I also told her that I am withdrawing from her emotionally. She said that she didn’t want me to do that, that she was afraid it would build anger towards her. I told her that was not the case, that I am putting my emotional needs before a relationship with her, that I am putting my wants and needs before what I thought her wants were. We ended the evening with us exchanging “I love you” and me agreeing to text her when I get to her parents house. I am driving my daughter up to see her cousins this weekend.

After all of this, I felt relieved (what a strange emotion to feel, but it is what it is) and hopeful. This morning, I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep. I still felt some relief and hope, but now some sadness. Thoughts were running through my head as to what I should do next; remove our wedding and family photos from the walls, start packing away stuff for charity, etc. I’m not doing any of that, yet. I need time. If and when I do that, I will use it as a process to grieve. I want to both have hope and move on…

So, this gives me hope still that the relationship can be salvaged. But I don’t want my hopes to be crushed… I want to wait and move on at the same time. It looks like I have created this limbo that I am tired of being in. I think I will do both, I will emotionally detach (that will take time and effort), I will grieve, I will be open to reconciliation but I will try not to force it or expect it. All of these are difficult things, but I know I will get through it with a few tears and several trips to the gym to release frustration.

Anita,

I did not have a computer with me over the weekend, but I did read your post on my phone and had some time to think about it and also got some additional feedback from my wife.

First, though. I wanted to ask how you draw the conclusion that “She has been afraid of your anger for a long time”? She certainly does not want to upset me as evidenced by her stating that she is afraid it will make me angry, but I am not sure fear of my anger is necessarily the issue. It could be fear of her guilt that she is reminded of if she sees that I am angry. Besides, my anger is mine and mine alone. What should matter to her is what I do with my actions when I am angry.

So, here are my thoughts; She does not want to get a divorce (she would never tell me that is what she wanted, only that it is the best thing for me), but she recognizes that I have allowed her actions to cause me pain. She blames me for something that I cannot be responsible for, her happiness. Our downward spiral started after my daughter was born and she just kept getting sadder and sadder, then she got angrier and angrier and directed a lot of hostility to me.

So, does that change your recommendation? No, probably not. I will certainly not be advocating, promoting, or accelerating divorce. But I will also not stand in the way and will be actionable when it comes down to it. I have spent the last three days grieving our love and my loss. As I work through these emotions I am finding some clarity. In the past two days, she has been reaching out to me, texting and calling. It is so frustrating. If she doesn’t want to be with me, then I want her to leave me alone so I can grieve the loss and not keep getting my hopes up, but I’m too afraid that if I tell her that, that I would ruin any slim chance there is of reconciliation.

I have enabled her financially in this separation in hopes of reconciliation. Since that does not appear to be as reasonable of an option as it was in the past, I will at some point, not quickly since I need time, but at some point ask her to be responsible for her own finances on her own. I will certainly see to it that my daughter is taken care of, but I cannot be expected to take care of an adult that does not want to be in a relationship with me, that is not working towards reconciliation in good faith, that does not have any intention of paying me back, that does not have any gratitude for what I provide, and that has the means and employment to take care of herself. I don’t say this out of anger, but out of what is realistic. There should be consequences for our actions and I have shielded her from the financial consequences for fear that if I didn’t, then I would lose her.