Dear Niyata:

If only half, a third, even a small part of what you shared happened to a child, that would be bad enough.

The girl that you were was deeply and severely hurt. And the young woman that you are is still suffering the consequences of the abuse and violence inflicted on you by your parents and the violence between them.

In the house you grew up, where you were hurt so badly, you were a victim, the one with no power. You never learned how it feels to have power over yourself and your life circumstances. When you faked fainting so to be sent to stay with your grandparents, you learned that you can get what you want, sometimes, by manipulating. By pretending to faint, you got your wish.

With this married guy, you at one point, try to hurt him so that he will leave you. You didn’t realize that it is possible for you to leave him. You manipulated him so to get him to decide to leave you.

You don’t know, because you don’t have the experience, that you can initiate, make things happen your way, not indirectly, by manipulating, but directly, by asserting yourself:”this is what I need! This is what I want!”

You will not know how it feels until you initiate and assert yourself, then you will get that feeling and you will know what it means.

This is not easy stuff. Your desperation for love is intense, desperation to feel special, cherished, important… to matter to someone. Plus, practicing new behavior is difficult because (before it feels good) it feels very uncomfortable.

Best for you would be psychotherapy with a competent, caring and hard working therapist. If there is a way for you to get this, please do.

Otherwise, please do post again. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking story. I understand the intensity of your pain, of your desperation to feel loved… I understand your confusion, your feeling of being powerless.

If you are able, first thing to do would be to assert yourself, to learn in small portions what it is to assert yourself, to make things happen as you want them, directly. Practice this skill, assertiveness. No way is too small to use as practice.

Till your next post-

anita