Hi Anita,

I have been thinking about your post the last 2 days, i have just seen this quote by Voltaire “Doubt is uncomfortable, certainty is ridiculous.”, having faith in something is a great gift, having blind faith is a curse.

what would differentiate a good doubt and a bad doubt, simply the cause of doubt, i can tell you about good doubt that saved me, I was certain that am not worth of living, I was certain that I was destined to live in agony, hate and pain, I nearly Killed my self, suicidal thoughts were easy to overcome, believe me I had them for years, but when your subconscious is asking for it, it just another level, dreaming of killing yourself, and the action is repetitively incarnated before you, and you see yourself, grabbing that army Swiss knife on the cabinet beside your bed, you see your self opening it, holding it with both hands, and stabbing your self in the heart, and you can not even open your eyes fearing that you will do it, seemed too certain, seemed like inevitable.

I had only to choices then, either to just keep sleeping, and keep dreaming about it, or you wake up and just follow that dream literally, but at one point you just have this doubt in your mind that keeps fighting this dream, the doubt that one day you will stand before god, in between his hands, and you do not have any thing to defend your self, your actions, the worst action a man can do, killing him self! that doubt made me able to open my eyes again, to look at army Swiss knife, and just telling that knife fuck you, I will live another day, even if it is the last day in my life, I will live it!

So back to the laws of physics, people used to think that they are living in a two dimensional world, a flat earth, till some one taught them how to fly, yes people can fly :), they came up with the three dimensional world, and then came someone who taught them about time, another variable added, its a four dimensional world, and then came one and taught them about gravity, it is a five dimensional world, then we flied to space, it is a six dimensional world, the we were introduced to black holes, were time stops, it is a seven dimensional world, now they say it is a nine dimensional world, i cannot even keep up with it, but when are doubts driven with good causes, I believe in them!

Reasonable, what is being reasonable, word origin is derived from Latin ratio, meaning reckon, meaning establish by calculation, I will not ask you about the or compare the facts of our lives that we can establish by calculation to the ones we cannot, faith can not be established by calculation, doubt cannot be established by calculation, blind faith can be calculated, bad doubt can be calculated.

Is it exhilarating, yes it is, is it intoxication, no it is not, do you think i do not doubt myself every day, before attempting any action, in every single moment in my day, yes I do, but i ask myself, are you willing to do for a good cause, and when my answer is yes, this is only when I do it, this is only when i get the power to do it, and the out comes always amazes me, the reaction of people never discouraged me, even when the were negative, they made me ask more, doubt my self, and then I ask my self the same question, was it for good cause, and when the answer is yes, it makes me think, look for answers, and i find them before me, like presented to me by this great force, and I learn more!

Do you want to know what is intoxicating, is digging a whole and bury all that in it, when you can no more speak your mind, when others abuse you just because they do not agree with them, when you can not stand enough for your self, and i choose that I will not be that man again, that man who sleeps in his bed just because he feels he is different, that man who accepts that other can easily judge him, and he easily accepts their judgement with out thinking, that man who nearly killed him self!

Do you know why I want to see a psychiatrist now, when even i feel so great, so powerful, because, it is better to seek help when you do not see any wrong with your self, than to seek help when you feel all the wrong things about your self, because then you will not be able to receive any help, even when others desperately try to help you, and it may be worse, that when you desperately need help, you do not find it, I simply want help not to get manic, not to get dressed, and not to be both, I seek help to be able to stay as is, to be able to stay as able!

last but not least, a wise man once said, there is a fine line between genius and insanity, and i can add on that, in order to keep your sanity, you have to embrace your insanity!

Have a nice day,
Ziad,