Dear sunnycoons:

As to your last line: yes, ask your husband/ anyone at all what they meant when they said this or that or did this or that instead of relying of your assumption. This is my point, the assumptions we make are often wrong. And it is not for lack of intelligence. It is about how early (childhood) experiences shape how we perceive things. Early experiences are way more powerful than logic. So, yes, ASK as soon as possible.

ASAP so to avoid the fuming over issues. That is key, to avoid the simmering of the anger.

Your efforts to avoid aggressive lashing out when angry cannot, over time, be accomplished by will power alone. You have to incorporate a changing of your behavior with people before you get angry, or just as you feel you start getting angry.

You wrote in your second line (wanting) to be able to respond compassionately all the time. I understand you mean that you want to respond compassionately to others all the time. Two comments about that:

1) you need not respond compassionately to someone who is in reality attacking you- that would be deadly if someone is physically attacking you. In other words, your anger is not a bad emotion. It has a purpose, don’t do away with it completely (or try to as such is impossible).

2) Be compassionate to yourself. There is a reason you are so alert to the possibility of people hurting you or trying to hurt you. It means that you probably got hurt as a child when a person or people you trusted or looked up to, hurt you. If this is correct, then you deserve a lot of compassion, from your own self.

anita