Dear Gigi:

A parent should never yell at a child, minor or adult. A parent may not talk calmly when distressed, have tension in her voice, but at the same time, no yelling. No calling names.

It is important for a parent to be as calm as can be with a young child because the child needs to feel safe and there is no safety in the presence of a highly emotional, unpredictable parent. So calm is important. As the child grows, let’s say your age, it is okay for your mother to express her distress as long as her expressions are not abusive.

So let’s say your mother is upset, instead of yelling at you and saying things like: “What a sorry human being you are, useless, everything you do is *^%^” etc., she can say: I am so upset over something that happened to me with the neighbors. I want to tell you about it and hear what you think about it. Can you come over..”

Then you get together with her, she tells you, she sounds upset, she says nothing about you. You listen attentively, then you give her your feedback and in turn she thanks you for it: “Thank you.” Then a bit later: “I feel much better, I am glad we talked. More hot chocolate?” She feels better and you feel better for having been helpful to her.

Just an example.

Till your next post:

anita