Dear annema:

Well, I agree with your father that one necessary element of a wonderful partner/ husband is following through. Problem is the ex boyfriend’s words cannot convince any reasonable person that he has changed in this regard, so as I see it, a conversation with your father- or anyone- is irrelevant as an indicator for change.

Even if the ex tells your father that he now understands that his past and present are connected, that he has anxiety about commitment, etc. Even if expresses an honest intent to change his behavior, that would be just the beginning of the process he will have to go through so to change his behavior. Your father can only deliver to you his judgment about the ex’s intent and willingness to start the process, but no one can predict if he will indeed go through the process long enough to actually deliver a change in behavior.

You are hoping your message to him will motivate him to start the process, starting with acknowledging he has a problem. In your mindset, if he answers your message with the slightest suggestion that he acknowledges he has a problem, the slightest suggestion he intends to change, you will feel so exhilarated and so willing to see in his response way more than what is in it. So, please pace yourself if/ when he responds with any hopeful words. Let me know what his response is- I think I am objective enough to evaluate it better than you can because I am not emotionally involved. This emotional involvement interferes with logical thinking. So do update me about how you feel at any time, what you think and if he responds…

anita