Thanks Anita.

Sadly, what you are saying is a reflection of the comments that my family & friends are all saying. Members of her own family have told me she is damaged, they have told me stories of things she did when she was young (threatening a niece with a weapon & verbally/physically abusing a cousin) and I too wonder what has made me see her in such a positive light. A couple of things – probably my own self esteem has been so low that someone gorgeous chasing me was a novelty. Also, we have been through a number of pregnancies (I mentioned what happened to the first above) and the first time I saw that tiny heartbeat on a screen, something inside me changed forever. It is like I feel locked in to her.

I am receiving counselling and the counsellor has worked to date on removing the guilt I feel. I feel like I let that unborn baby down, like I haven’t been a good person for a long time. I know that staying away and giving our little boy everything I can is the best for him. But already, she is claiming I left the relationship, when after she was violent, I made three attempts to keep us together. I think the fact that in a row after she was violent to me, I told her that she has been abusive to us at different times, this made her give me my marching orders. It was almost like she had been unmasked and even during one of the three attempts to fix things, when I said how it is totally unacceptable to drag her daughter into rows, she looked at me, went for a smoke and returned, as though she needed to calm.

There are two sides to every story and if she were here, she would rattle off a litany of things about me inside 5 minutes. But they are things nobody else says. For example, if I came in from work and kissed her & our son, if I didn’t speak for 30 seconds then she would say ‘You’re in a bad mood aren’t you?’. I would smile and say no, but the accusation would be repeated five or six times and then yes I would be unhappy.

The night she hit her daughter, I let myself down. She claimed it was squabbling, but it was a full on chop into the face causing blood to appear. I looked on, stunned, paralysed by fear. If I told anyone, who would believe me? My family would, but apart from that? With regards to my Son, seeing her hold him, walk around raging with him and seeing him cry while in her arms, I can’t get that out of my head. And if she meets someone else, the pattern begins again, 6 months honeymoon phase, then just as he starts school, boom, disagreements.

I take my responsibility for the upheavel caused to her daughter. I have apologised to the girl and made her promises, but her Mother did not allow me to keep them. I have seen this girl crying outside school, unable to go in due to stress and in my opinion that stress came from her mother. She told me several times ‘she just doesn’t understand’ and I have seen on plenty of occasions how the girl was left to fend for herself after a chaotic row and mudslinging. Sometimes all they want is a hug and to be comforted and that is not what they get at home.

Yes, it hurts and yes I am weak.