Dear rainbowmystica:

Maybe your father can help you move out and live on your own. Maybe he can manage the bills involved, nothing fancy, just a place comfortable enough for you, so that you can get better.

There is no doubt in my mind that your mother has been … well, bad news for you. It is too bad. But she made it so, not you. You did all you could to be a good daughter, so much so that you sacrifice yourself so to not hurt her feelings, keeping yourself blocked and unwell so to not hurt her feelings. On the other hand, she hurt your feelings plenty of times, again and again for years.

You did nothing wrong to her. She did plenty of wrong to you. You do deserve to heal and be as happy as you can be, and not to hate yourself (title of your thread). Your therapy cannot be helpful to you unless you express your anger at your mother and the hurt underneath. What you say to your therapist about your mother should be confidential. It has to be so that you will feel safe telling it like it is to your therapist.

No wonder you don’t feel real, if you don’t express your true feelings even to your therapist. I am glad you posted here and please do post for as long as you want and I will reply very time.

The psychiatric diagnosis you mentioned, you were not born with it. You were born as healthy as any other baby. But then, a baby and a young child has to have a good-enough mother to develop healthily, to not get sick. You were injured by your mother and so, there it is possible for you to heal from those injuries.

But little healing can be done while you live with her. I sure hope your father (since you said there is money in the family) can pay for you to move out before you get a job and independently of you getting a job, for the purpose of you having confidential (!) therapy, maybe with a new therapist, if you can’t trust this one to be confidential. What you say in therapy has to stay in therapy. Therapists will lose their jobs if they don’t keep the confidentiality of their patients.

anita