Hi All,

I am a long time follower of Tiny Buddha, but a first time poster to the forums. I just knew that I need to reach out to a community that understands the path of awakening and might be able to offer some sage words of resolve, advice and insight.

This year has been one set in, what I deem of growth, which has brought on big shifts, ah-ha’s, fear, challenges and uncertainty. I’m not a stranger to doing personal and spiritual growth, which I adore with all my heart and feeds me within. I’ve actually had a lot of energy work done (akashic + tuning fork) within the last 1.5 years. To which, I’ve often times been the ‘go to’ person for words of wisdom to my fellow friends. Which, forgive this statement as it’s purely objective, don’t often have the tools to share words of wisdom back in times of need. Hence my post here. 🙂 So it’s been a bit of a shock when this year I’ve felt like my strength and tenacity has all but crumbled beneath me. Bringing on bouts of depression, doubt and a general unhappiness in life. I’ve tried to do regular meditation, yoga to raise my vibration and connection with myself, to only fall quickly out of the pattern. The only thing that seems to stick for me is walking. Which I am uber grateful for.

Now that you have some background, on to the heart of the issues!

1. I started my own online business about 1.5 years ago that was received with great enthusiasm and success (primarily around the holidays) and have found it a bit of a challenge to keep the motivation and passion going (as I was once SO passionate about) when the going gets tough. When things get slow. I keep asking myself is this just part of starting business or is it time to throw in the towel. This is my full time career in which I work from home and I’ve attached my definition of self directly towards the success of the business. Which has brought me to the depths of depression for the early part of the year.

2. I also, chose to formally (via email) send a loving ‘letting go’ letter to my Borderline (BPD) mother. I’ve made attempts in the past, but not so directly. I made this all about me needing to heal and find myself and not about her. Which is very true. I need to find and discover my truth out from underneath the critical and manipulative energy of her. Ever since I was young, I have never felt safe/unconditionally loved by her…I am now 40 and feel that I’ve put in enough energy to try to heal that relationship, when I want to truly heal my own.

3. By choosing to do ‘#2’, I’ve lost contact with my father. Whom, my mother controls. She says, if I don’t have a relationship with her than neither can my dad. It’s sad as my dad was always my savior in childhood, he loved me and comforted me and now that is gone. I feel like I’ve lost my family (as dysfunctional as it is).

4. On top of ‘#2+#3’, my brother has distanced himself ever since I got married to a man everyone loves. We would extend invites to him all the time, which they would attend. However, the invites that once were sent my way when single are no longer. I’ve talked about this a few times with him, to his credit he recognized…but then still hasn’t put in any energy to our relationship.

5. My husband, I love. He is loving, kind, generous, supportive and just a general great guy. However, he’s not passionate about personal growth and when issues come up (which I am the one bringing up, he would never)…he shrinks into this position of a clueless helpless boy. I’ve asked to go to counseling as there is only so much knowledge and insight I have (and I didn’t get a great example from my parents). To which he BEGRUDGINGLY went. It was like pulling teeth. To which, he sat with his arms crossed and didn’t interact. He was incredibly defensive and questioned whom I married. As I was super conscious of how I came across and brought up with ‘I feel’ statements and not finger pointing. I feel like I am left a semblance of a marriage, one where the love is fading as the respect is fading as he is running from his power. It’s a turn off for me and saddens me that we are growing in different directions. He seems to rather just leave it be, where I know I will grow tired of this quickly if I don’t connect on a deeper level with my partner.

6. Two of my longest friends I’ve made conscious choices to not have in my life any longer. One was a long time given as it’s always been unhealthy, but I kept putting up with it and giving it another go. The other one came as a surprise, when it became clear after all the years that she isn’t capable of being happy for others, it’s always a competition and she’ll always need you to be there for her, but not able to be there for you.

Phew…that was WAY more than I even realized, until I just wrote this out. My apologies for the long post, however, I must say this is rather cathartic. 🙂

My question is, as I am absolutely open to ‘looking in the mirror’ is this my doing that I am bringing on all these energetic shifts, which are for the good. Or am I scrambling to survive with the evolving skill set of how to operate in life that I know?! My heart says ‘This too shall pass’…however, it’s been a longer go of it than I’m comfortable with. Have any of you ever gone through such a huge shedding and wake ups all at once?

My deepest gratitude in advance for your time to read and reply!

Much love,
misomojo