Hi Anita, I think you’re right. I start day dreaming about how I’ll be so good I’ll take part in Xtreme olympics for like bicycling then when I’m not that great at something the first time I try it I give up.
I do think you’re right that there two separate reasons I’m reacting negatively to Path A, and one of them is valid. I think part of my depression also stems from having made decisions according to what others thought I should do for the past 12-13 yrs at least and setting what i wanted on the side completely. I’ve lost sight of who I am in the process and its sort of my brains way of calling attention to the fact that I need to stop and reevaluate things.
I do think i turn to music and other activities as escape. I grew up in an abusive environment and it was easier to disconnect and create an artificial life in my head that centered around whatever i was into at that moment in time than to deal with what reality was like. I’ve carried that habit into adulthood and while I don’t do it as often if I am happy or entertained, I do do it most days. Anxiety is a significant problem for me, and over the years I have manifested it as not being able to stop throwing up (involuntarily), headaches and palpitations. I have fairly recently come to recognize all of these things as symptoms of my anxiety.
Would love to hear how you think I should proceed in dealing with this anxiety and beginning healing.
Best,
m