Dear shadeinthesummer:

I endured similar episodes with my mother, similar to the ones you describe with your father.

It seems like there was a quota of anger, a certain amount of anger that your father produced in the household. Once he got old and frail and maybe the medication worked, and he stopped producing the Anger Quota, your mother did. She is filling in for him.

You asked at the end of your original post: “how to handle this situation and also how to maybe emotionally detach so I don’t feel as upset when she is angry.”

I have no doubt that you already detached and are able to detach from any of your parent’s rage as much as humanly possible. That detachment, or dissociation is automatic: the body does it by itself, the brain specifically. You don’t have to choose to do anything, it happens. You automatically tuned out, shut down awareness as much as possible, escaped to daydreaming, distracted yourself best you could.

You can’t beat how effective nature is, so there is no more detachment you can come up with than nature already afforded you.

You mentioned you felt guilty your whole life for what you are not guilty of. So have I. I know guilt very well- I felt guilty for my mother’s episodes. After all, she said I caused them and she said so with much conviction.

It is only recently that I believe those were not my fault. I knew on some level that it was not my fault but emotionally I believed those were my fault until recently. Not only that, but I focused on her pain, her feelings, her welfare, as if I didn’t exist: as if I didn’t exist in my own body, my own life.

So I am under no delusions that you will leave that home-of-rage, especially with the cultural convention of a single woman not living alone. But even without that cultural norm, your father’s manipulation is enough to keep you there.

Interesting he was overly cautious, you wrote elsewhere, about you riding a bike or rollerblades, did I get it right? He was afraid for your safety? But he was not afraid of your safety when he abused you repeatedly and horribly as he did.

Back to what to do: I am impressed that you are doing as well as you do, but of course, you are paying the price of the abuse started by your father during your formative years and now continued by your mother. Every time she is angry at you, it is not good for you. If you will not move away from that home-of-rage for as long as you are unmarried, I hope that one day you will get married to a decent man who will not (!!!) be an angry man.

Very important, first thing to make sure when and if you consider a man for marriage: you must choose a man who is naturally calm, laid back. I can’t emphasize this enough! Nothing matter more for your well being about a man as a potential husband.

If you do get married, I think it will be fine if you live in another city and country, if you manage and heal from the unjustified guilt.

Until you get married- and maybe you won’t- I hope your father is permanently under control (of age, frailty, medication, whatever keeps him not abusive!). What I suggest regarding whomever is filling the Anger Quota at any time, your father or your mother, that either one or both will be medicated. I would definitely push for that. You mentioned anti depressants and sleeping pills that your mother is taking- make sure the supply doesn’t run out.

You have your anxiety to deal with in your professional life and social life, and you have been doing so well, considering the abuse you suffered and still… always consider this anxiety, don’t ignore it, when making choices.

I sure hope that you do make contacts with people who are calm, be it friend and a husband to be. Safety is your “unconscious motivation” (the other thread) and your real need.

anita