Hey Yukiohimura11,

Way to go reaching out for help, it’s a big step even! If you are looking for advice, here’s a few things that might help you:

First the most important thing is to get into therapy (if you haven’t already done so) to discover the reasons behind your depression. Once you’re there, be totally honest with yourself and your therapist, if you hold back you may never get to the bottom of what’s causing you to have attacks.

Second, you said that you’ve been depressed since as far back as you can remember. You should ask yourself why, what are/were the circumstances around you that set off depressed feelings. I’m guessing something very bad happened when you were younger that is causing you pain still so you should go back to find out what that is.

Keep a journal of your thoughts. Fill it with writing prompts that ask you to look inwardly (you can find a lot of those online), fill it with your stream of consciousness, and fill it with things that inspire you to keep moving forward.

Check out “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, it’s a book that can turn your whole world around if you let it.

And keep writing here. You’ve been fighting alone for a long time it seems, but everyone here is fighting the same battle so you are not alone!

Cheers and good luck,

M