Dear XenopusTex:

Emotional Intelligence (EI)- I would like to keep the focus on this aim. Increasing your EI will benefit you greatly in every area of your life, and definitely in the personal relationship you are attempting now. So let’s keep the focus on it.

Your first paragraph, the feelings you expressed, what do they teach you? They teach me that you are a loving person, not with everyone, of course, and presently only with her, but still, it teaches me that you have it in you, being loving. You wrote: “.I just want to hold her in my arms and hug her and comfort her. Being with her brings a feeling of oneness, of deep caring about her wellbeing. It hurts to see her hurt.” This is indicating to me/ teaching me that you are capable of feeling Empathy (“It hurts to see her hurt”), that you care about another person’s well being, being motivated to benefit her well being, to comfort her.

This means to me that you have a whole lot to offer. You know from your personal life how rare these things are: empathy, sincere and complete interest in another person’s well being- you know that from your childhood experience followed by decades after that, from what you see in the courthouse and otherwise, in life. She experienced lack of empathy as well. And this is what people need more than anything: empathy, caring, comfort.

One theme that runs through your posts is your concern with competition, the statistics, the “other guys” and what you have to offer that is different or better. You wrote here: “Is this the chance to show her that I am not like all of the other rejects that have been in her life?”

This is what this chance can be about: you getting to know and accept the loving person that you are, understanding the priceless value of it. Love is rare so if you are loving to … you and to her, you will be the exception to all the other guys.

This is an opportunity to learn and to love-and-be-loved. Tell her a bit about how you feel about her, tell her in a self respectful way, in a mild way but truthfully, and see her response. Let her know in a mild way so to not overwhelm her (she is likely to jump to the wrong conclusions if triggered). You can let her know by simply repeating what she tells you now and then, so that she knows you HEARD her. You don’t even need to express your emotions, better not, show her by repeating, by letting her finish her sentences and then saying something to show you heard her. If in person, look at her with empathy and interest in what she says.

One step at a time. Protect yourself from possible manipulation by simply keeping your wallet to yourself, that is not financing her projects and such so to show your love. As long as you keep your wallet safe, you are safe to be as loving as you can be.

Does this make sense to you?

anita