I’m getting in on this post about a year after it was originally made, but I hope that my comments will still be useful to someone who visits the page. I looked at the previous eight comments which all seemed to echo each other, and I looked at the OP’s questions and imagined myself in her shoes.

I can tell you from experience that it is extremely difficult to diminish the value of a person’s hurtful words against you. You can say to yourself, “Sticks and Stones!” all day long, and still, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt you because…

1. It comes from someone familiar, not a stranger.
2. It comes from someone who has an opinion you still care about.
3. It comes from someone who has been in intimate proximity to you, and therefore the opinion/judgment has some qualification to it.

Again, it’s extremely difficult to diminish or invalidate the value of such words from such a person. I am someone who has been called a monster. I have dealt with this personally, and I know that devaluation of that emotional currency is much more easily spoken of than accomplished.

Everyone shapes their reality with their thoughts. Telling yourself “oh, it’s just words” is a trick people try to play with their minds to diminish the value of the opinion and reshape the reality that they’re living in, just a little bit. Just enough to make it bearable. Just enough to move forward. You may be completely successful with this, and if so, the rest of my post is worthless to you. But if this trick isn’t working for you, like it didn’t work for me, then you’re still going to feel some pain.

So what to do? Here’s what I did.

Admit to yourself that, no matter what YOUR opinion is of your own actions, YOU DID make the other person believe, somehow, that you’re a monster. Post break-up advice that prescribes unilateral self-boosting and ego care COMPLETELY ignores this aspect, because it is totally (and in my opinion, blindly) self-centered. This is a problem for you because you’re trying to puff up your ego and strut your stuff while being at odds with YOUR CONSCIENCE about what transpired. They indict, you feel guilt or indignation, that conflicts with your self-care, you second-guess yourself, one step forward two steps back. You need to stop this cycle by facing what you fear.

Maybe you messed up. Maybe you did things that cannot be excused. Or, maybe you’re super-sweet and the other person is just bonkers and delusional. Either way, they think you’re a monster. Were you a monster, or not? Well, that’s a matter of opinion (label stemming from moral/ethical judgment of actions), not a matter of fact, and you cannot change opinions. If you SAID AND DID THINGS you regret, that’s a matter of fact (transpired events), not a matter of opinion, and you cannot change the facts.

What’s past is past. Whether you were a saint or a mass murderer YESTERDAY, it is your actions TODAY that will shape your self-identity TOMORROW. You need to remember this as you are healing, and let your past be your past. The way Moses and Saul of Tarsus did after committing murder. If you cannot get rid of pain, you have to use it constructively or else it will cripple your thought process and prolong or prevent healing without emotional scarring. So if you have regrets for your past, or you regret that someone else may have been hurt by your actions in the past, please realize that…

1. It’s your past. Not your present, or your future, unless you keep on living each day in the past.
2. You could very well repeat what you did yesterday. But you don’t have to. If you remain self-aware, then it remains a choice.
3. You will never be perfect. But you have always had the capacity to be great.
4. Greatness and making mistakes are not mutually exclusive. The greatest, kindest, sharpest, most thoughtful and most benevolent people STILL make mistakes.

TLDR: Come to terms with your identity as an ex-monster to someone. Examine the past and recognize facts for facts, opinions for opinions. Let your past be your past, and let tomorrow be itself. Remember what’s been said about you and felt from you by someone who was close, and let it remind you to be a great person each day moving forward.