Dear XenopusTex:

It took that long because you were very hurt as a child and you shut down, naturally and understandably. This would be something that you, at one point, can share with her: your childhood, how it was and how it affected you. I thought about this after my last post to you: it is not enough to listen to her- this is most important, absolutely- but little by little, a bit at a time, you need to have her listen to you. It is necessary for her to feel empathy for you! Not only for you to feel empathy for her.

If you present yourself all the time as the strong one, that will come across as you not needing her, or as if you have no feelings, and that will take away from her trusting your empathy for her. She needs to know you are human too, that you struggled and struggle to.

It is her empathy for you (not pity, but empathy) that can grow into love. It has to start with empathy.

I am supposing it will be difficult for you to share about your childhood and struggles, this is why I am suggesting a bit at a time, then wait for her response. If she is responding empathetically to you, let her know how her empathetic response is helping you, how much it means to you. That way she will feel that she is making a difference in you- and that is part of the love I hope she develops for you, that very good-feeling belief that she means a good thing in your life.

Proceed with some caution, don’t get carried away with hopes and dreams but remain present and attentive. When you goof up, accept it- even share with her how that felt. If you do, that will make it more comfortable for her to goof up.

You are very welcome and keep posting.

anita