Thanks you guys!! Anita, I am so hard on myself!! I wasn’t a very happy child needless to say. In a round about way, I gave up my needs to try to make my parents happy. I figured that was a good way to make them love me. I mean, who wouldn’t love the perfect child? So i tried that for a couple years. But then it started to spill into the rest of my relationships to the point where I blurred the line between properly loving myself and loving/respecting people at the same time. I didn’t even know what love and respect was I don’t think, mostly since my idea of love was giving people what they want? And then I started to grow resentful of my parents and especially my siblings. They had no problem going after what they wanted and attempting to meet their needs. Its funny because looking back now, I thought they were selfish. I still think this way and it bothers me ALOT when my younger sister puts her above all else. Her primary concern is how popular she is, not necessarily the genuineness of the relationship. Maybe thats her way of coping with the effects of our childhood, but I thought she had it easy. She had a horse, was in another expensive sport that required her to travel. I wasn’t allowed to do any sports above local rec because it interfered with my brothers other travelling hockey league. It sounds petty but this was one of the many examples where I felt like the ugly duckling in the family and it emotionally told me that I didn’t matter. My parents never gave me a ride anywhere. If I had to go to school or hockey practice, I either needed to walk or take my bike. She drove me to my stupid babysitting jobs that I had but thats because I think she thought I wouldnt go haha. We didnt have alot of money either growing up but my brother always had to have the coolest clothes for school. My mom would take me to the consignment store to buy used clothes. If i wanted new clothes, i had to get a job and make money. It was many times like these where I eventually felt so sad and so broken that I gave up. I cant pinpoint when, but I gave up up on myself because I just wass’t worth it. Or so I thought. I think it was in these moments that I can relate to your “grew in” reference.

These buried feelings caused a lot of pain for me in my last relationship. My ex thinks im selfish but when he spent so long making me feel like I wasn’t enough and he needed to be in touch with another girl on the side, the shame that that brought up was so bad i couldn’t even face it and buried it deeper. I think thats why i stayed as long as i did. maybe it was selfish to stay. but he made me feel like we could make it work and he knew he had made mistakes and he was going to be the perfect boyfriend after to make up for it. And he was the perfect boyfriend. But the shame of just once again, not being good enough, it killed me again. I wanted to love him so badly but it felt like I was betraying myself. Now he is very hurt that i left. He said i walked out on him that and that by dating him for so long, I lead him on. Maybe i did? Subconciously but not intentionally. He gave me the attention and love that Ive always wanted. But that shame never went away. My friends are confused that we broke up to because they thought that we had worked things out and that we were good together. He was a great friend but is it so wrong to want somebody that hasn’t don’t something sneaky behind my back? Does that even exist anymore? My first real boyfriend at 18 also slept with my friend while we were together. Everyone knew except me so I felt so stupid when my friend finally drunkenly admitted one night what had happened. I am a very deep and sensitive person so nobody else quite understands why I struggle the way that i do.

I seriously have no idea what love is and how to love myself. I really need to heal that inner child but all my unresolved issues from my early years are really in high gear right now. I try my hardest to heal my inner child. But it’s shame that hurts. And its buried so deep that Im afraid of not being able to ever really connect with someone. I would really like to move on from the past but the more I look back on it, the more understand why the way that I am. I need to heal and right now it seems that going back to the past and looking at moments that really hurt, its almost like looking at it at a different perspective. I read somewhere that its important in moments of hurt, that I treat my inner child in a way that I would have wanted my parents to act in that moment of pain. Give it that love that i have longed for. But i don’t even know what that is?

Thanks again for all the responses Anita 🙂 It does feel good to have somewhere to write it out. And thanks http://www.365daysofkindness.com!! I have been to your website before and love the suggestions 🙂