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I will definitely try to keep the conversation going. What I ended up doing before was often apologizing for my behavior and getting upset with myself for being so emotional at times, but I realize that it won’t help anything to keep doing that. It’s like apologizing for being myself, and that’s not what I should be doing.
Now, I did attempt to strike up conversation tonight with him about it, but he went to bed for swim practice in the morning, so I decided that I will wait until morning to send him a message that I worked on all day today. It basically states my current decision on staying in the relationship but that there are some things that need changing.
However, in doing so I’ve come to realize that maybe I’m losing myself too much in this relationship, and maybe that has created a lot of the anxiety that I feel. That is something I’ll have to work on, but I’m not entirely sure how to get started. I’ve wasted so much time worrying about the future and throwing myself pity parties due to the fact I’m a rather odd individual with different values than most, so often times I think I fear any relationship I have will end in failure.
I think deep down I have a fear that, inevitably, I will never find the right person for me, or that I’m better off flying solo. And perhaps that is the root for this entire thing: all the anxiety, the downfalls, the raging of emotions.
To be clearer, I had finally managed to rid myself of my depression and anxiety after a few months worth of therapy sessions just last summer. I’ve been a year clear for depression. But I found that as soon as I started dating him, my anxiety came back just as strong as it’s ever been. I really value independence and freedom, so the idea of having to compromise any of my dreams is not appealing at all, which has led me to feel like I’m selfish to some extent. Lately I’ve even been struggling to enjoy the things I usually do, simple things like researching or even just watching anime shows. I end up feeling guilty for things that used to bring me such joy and made me feel creative and free-spirited.
You’ve already helped so much, so I hate to drag this on even longer, but you’ve been the most help to me in all of this… so I’m wondering if you might have any ideas or opinions on these feelings as well? Is it selfish to want to put myself first right now, at the height of my educational life and dreams? I don’t devalue the relationship, but I don’t want it to become the center of my world right now. I’m not sure how to find a balance between putting energy into the relationship and also being the confident, free-spirited young woman I had finally started to be right before we started dating… I want to bring that version of me back.
-Isra