Dear Anita,

The relationship to my parents is great. I love them very much. But they split up when I was 11, and I’ve become very reliant on my mother, and later on my girlfriend, for direction in life. My mom is a worrier, careful and socially a bit isolated. I picked up some of these traits and made semi-safe life choices. Now I need to work on my independence, self confidence, decision making – and learning to love myself again. Living away was a way to do that, but there is no need for it anymore. I sometimes feel regret for having moved at all, because now I have to choose between 2 good places to live, and leave 1 behind. Also because I can’t be there for my mother & sister when needed.

I’ve been diving into my past in therapy, and can see where things went wrong. I’ve always tried to be the good boy, neglecting my own feelings when my parents divorced. I did not have many friends in high school, and was insecure, but I did not know how to express this to my parents. My biggest goal was to become cool and find a girlfriend. When this finally happened when I was 20, I put all my energy into my relationship, never asking if it was right for me. Career wise I always had the feeling things would turn out great for me, but I never set concrete goals. Because I didn’t know and things were OK. Now they are not, relationship and career wise, and I see that I’m lacking, as you put it, a foundation. I don’t know what my purpose is.

But how does knowing this help me?

I had hoped that my last relationship would be something to hold onto, doing projects and traveling together, but since the breakup I’m not so sure. We are back in contact. She’s also battling depression right now, partly as a result, and considering to move back to Latin America next year. We both want to be together, in a way, but it does not seem like a steady basis at all. This hurts even more.

I worry about where I want to build my life, since I have so little time before I possibly have a job again, or a relationship, that will limit my choices. I’m dreading the moment to go back to Berlin next week, because that will be my final destination – from there I have to do something real again. And I have no clue what. If I’m not sure I want to live there, why apply for jobs there? I’m dissatisfied with my living situation, but what good is moving flats if I’m possibly moving country next year? I worry about which path to take, which skill to develop, whether I want to do another education (if I can even afford it), and besides all that… when I will finally have control over my brain again. The depression is eating me up. I have constant headaches, anxiety, and a lack of focus, making me feel even more powerless. In the end, I’m doing nothing. I’m at home, doing little things and thinking, worrying. I feel useless and incapable of anything. I’ve lost myself.

Sorry for writing so much, I’m trying to put it all in perspective for myself. I have not found anyone online who’s struggling with all this at once – most people have at least 1 thing clear (living situation, relationship, job). I don’t and it freaks me out. How do you build a foundation, when there is nothing anymore to hold onto?

Thanks for reading.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Peter.