Dear terraceless:

I am a big advocate for anyone to cut contact/ end relationship with anyone who is harmful. If it is not a Win-Win relationship, it shouldn’t be, no matter who the person is (unless it is one’s minor child!)

You tried setting limits with your father; you tried “compassionate detachment” and these didn’t work, so ending all contact with him is reasonable, I strongly believe.

As far as diagnoses being identity, you wrote: “it’s being used in a way that defines me rather than addressing what I am talking about or what I am actually feeling”- very good point.

Mental diagnoses (and there are so many of them and more and more as time goes on) are categorizing, the placing of symptoms in groups. And so diagnosing has its place- the whole health insurance industry, the billing itself is based on this organization system: diagnoses. A professional has to diagnose so to bill. Some diagnoses are covered by a particular insurance plan, some are not etc.

Diagnoses are also useful in initial therapy so to tackle the most destructive symptoms first, before proceeding with core issues.

A point to understand (by those who don’t): we are not born with a mental diagnosis, not in the vast majority of cases and diagnoses. What happens is as children we get scared, afraid, overwhelmed with fear and not comforted adequately. Hurt, sadness, anger- these play a role as well. We become scared of the pain in these emotions, scared of what will happen next, as a result of own anger, for one.

Then different individuals develop different symptoms or combinations of symptoms. The combinations themselves can change over time. So one diagnosis (when correct) can shift to another while the Core Issues are the same.

So I understand and support you in not wanting your current diagnosis (whatever it may be) to define you. Instead you want your emotions, thoughts, your real life experience to matter in your communications with your boyfriend and others.

Because Core Issues are in the core of who we are, and the diagnoses are based on symptoms, you can have more in common with someone of another diagnosis than with someone of the same diagnosis.

And to your boyfriend: sure hope he can see himself as other than his own diagnosis and see you as way more than your diagnosis. If he sees you as a diagnosis, my goodness, you are … invisible, aren’t you?

anita