Anita,

Thank you for writing back, True, my feelings were to myself only and I remember clearly that I always had this thought that I will keep things to myself and people need not to know how I feel, they wouldn’t understand. I would like to mention that I am also very sensitive and take things personally. However, I don’t think I was invisible in the family, my parents were too occupied with problems.

I am not angry with them at all, I understand where they were coming from, I understand the problems that we went through and I don’t blame them for being occupied. The things we went through is just out of hand.

I firmly believe I was loved by my mother at least, maybe not dad, but she tried her best to give me the attention I need. Even now my parents mention that I should be more tender hearted and nice, they would love it if I am kind towards them and say nice words and such when they are trying to be loving and caring, but I just refuse and turn away.

Really bothers me and tears me up when I read the words that I may be angry with my parents, I can’t imagine that I would be angry with them because I do love them at the end of the day, and I know they tried their best to be there for me and provide me with all the things I need in life (I’ve attended the top school and university), even if they failed, at least they know they tried amidst all the bad times. I feel sorry for them and for myself for the things that we had to deal with. Even now my mother passes by my desk she sees me sad she hugs me and holds me cuz she can tell when I am upset and when I am not.

And about my doubt for my feelings, probably yeah, and I didn’t get the help I needed because I did not open up to begin with.

I have a strong tension over my chest, because I am considering leaving my boyfriend, I still can’t seem to find the answers to whether I love him or not, and it is killing me. I cannot keep leading him on, the guy wants to marry me and I am worried to marry him and live miserable all my life for still wondering whether I love him or not, I don’t want to repeat history of living miserably like my parents. I am so lost, so lost, maybe I just don’t love him and I am pressured to love him back?