The guy that I have mentioned about gave it to me for a first time and I took it two times since then I have been clean, but the situation with the depression is getting worse(i am talking about ecstasy). I find myself thinking about all the bad scenarios that were and are about to happen and this ends with me in tears and I could just tear up every day and hate myself for everything that is going and been in my life. I can’t stop crying after taking that stuff and one day I am thinking how I never want to take it again , yet the other I want it so badly. Yet this guy that gave it to me won’t do it again probably till next time when he wants company when he is feeling lonely.

I wrote that everybody is playing blind and deaf because even when my mother sees me with tears i my eyes she says “Stop crying and go eat something”(cuz there are times I don’t wanna put anything in mouth and I just stay and stare at one point). She is hardly talking to me, yet when she does talk she is always complaining what a naive fool I am and how people use me being such. I really am naive and sometimes too good to people that are making fun with me being there to help them and I hate myself for that.

It has not been this way for just a year- I feel it’s been all my life. Wheneever I try to talk to my closest for something that is bothering me everybody is turning their back on me. I am not that open and don’t share for that reason. I think I mess things up and i sometimes deserve the pain that I go through. But this time I just feel used and been mocked.

That is not the end of the story. recently I have been thinking more and more that I have been doing things in my life just to please someone else’s ambitions and wants and I got pretty used to it and now it is har for me to break the habit. I find myself not even applying for a uni course that have always wanted. I really wanted to pursue a carrer that has to do with arts and yet I am losing my nerves on some economic course that I have never pictured myself in. Everything turns that way always. And I am afraid that if I choose something to do that I really want to my family is always discouraging me and talking me out of it and my parents are saying that I am not worth a pennie which makes me feel like a piece of crap.

Plus, whenever I find some guy my sister is constantly trying to make me open my eyes and see how whoever is he is using me like i don’t deserve the right to be with someone except with her. Anyway, she feels free to spend her time with whoever she want without me messing up with her relationships and it is somehow unfair to me.

I know the things are really chaotic up here , but that is how they come to my mind. And if I ever find a living being with whom i can share it all i will feel like i got the burden out of me.