Dear Sam:

You are welcome.

About Forgiving, you asked: “Can ‘forgiving’ be considered unhealthy under some situations?”

I will refer to your situation with your father as an example for simplicity of expression my position:

If you have no contact with your father: you don’t live with him, you don’t see him, you don’t talk with him; you have no contact whatsoever with him (maybe he is dead), then you may aim at accepting the wrong that was done to you, that it was done and cannot be undone, feel the sadness and in so doing, the anger at him will relax, be less intense and less often (forgiving= less intensity of anger, less often).

If you have contact with your father, and he didn’t sincerely apologize to you AND he didn’t make financial amends to you (return any money possible to return to you!), then try as you may, you will naturally be angry at him. I don’t think you can order your brain to not be angry and therefore forgiveness (relaxing or eliminating your anger) is not a matter of choice. Sure, you can take drugs, tranquilizers and otherwise a good piece of cake will make you calm for a while, but other than that: here is the man who betrayed you, in front of you, unrepentant. That is the reality and it does not accommodate the denial of it.

If you have contact with your father and he did not apologize, did not make financial amends to you, and then to top it, he brags that he has (your) money, claiming ownership of it proudly, and on top of it, he spreads rumors about you, then … well, it better be a very strong tranquilizer to calm the NATURAL anger you feel.

When a victimizer is hurting his victim, the victim’s anger is there, naturally, to motivate the victim to fight against the victimizer, the threat. It is so in nature, preparing an animal to fight a threat.

When a victimizer KEEPS hurting his victim, the victim should either escape or fight, but not remain AVAILABLE for more harm. Even if the victimizer will not harm the victim in the same way (ex.: He ALREADY has your money), seeing the victim, unrepentant day in and day out is painful in itself.

Regarding forgetting: you naturally forget during the day, when you are asleep (and not dreaming about it), when you are otherwise occupied: the brain cannot endure constant distress, so it will take breaks and forget. But these are only breaks. You can’t exchange your brain with another. So other than suffering severe brain damage, you can’t forget.

You asked: “Can victims of rape crimes ever ‘forgive’ their attacker or simply choose to ‘forget’ without ‘forgiving’?”

Victims of rape, following the rape and following taking all the action possible to protect herself/ himself, to promote justice (consequences for the rapist, restitution of some kind), while no longer being available to the rapist for more rapes, in other words, when it is all over, then the victim may accept what happened, feel sadness, and the anger will naturally relax, over time.

I think I answered all the questions here. Let me know.

anita