Hi Anita
Thanks for the response. Yes the self loathing and social anxiety is what I fear when I’m around others. This is what drives me to seek solitude.

I believe this stems from bullying in school and my parents. My mum is anxiety ridden and not very relational. She deals only with the practicalities. For her life is a series of endless dangers. The implicit message I got was that life was not a series of possibilities, but a series of potenrial pitfalls to be navigated. My dad has never talked about any feelings or anything of an emotional nature with me. We talk about sports and practicalities. Honestly, I’ve never felt close to either of them. I suppose this is a pattern I’m repeating by opting out of intimacy.

I have attended therapy in the past and have explored in depth this self loathing. It has been present from my late teens until now, and has pushed me into very low moods many times. I have been able to manage it better these past few years, but perhaps this is as a result of finding solitude to be a good remedy.

I never thought of the admonishing myself for cheating as an extension of this self loathing but this is a good insight. Internally I have punished myself for so long for it. Perhaps longer than the act itself warrants.

I hear what you’re saying and it does ring true. Do you believe then this impulse to protect myself from increased fear and self loathing, by leaving the relationship is an act of self deception? That the only thing it serves is protecting myself more. Can the impulse to a voice fear and self loathing really drive me to feel that someone isnt attractive any more?