Hey Sammi-

Sounds like your sleepover and just hanging out does you well. Sometimes just stepping away from a ‘situation’ is really important even if it’s just for a little while.

Ok, where to begin…bear with me, I’m linking up a series of disparate elements in this letter since its been a while.

Kick and Pet, that wee small link in the chain of abuse. It doesn’t come from nowhere, but from a lack of trust which has come from being emotionally violated. As I said, I know it well, and yes, to me it could sometimes feel more natural in some ways. Why? Because it provides some kind of ‘comfort’ – but it’s really a form of protection as it preemptively closes the door before the object of our affection has time to reject us (a wee slap that says ‘there- I beat you to it’). I know I mentioned all this before. But here’s the thing—it’s a reaction to other relationships and might not apply to the person in front of us right now. I’ve noticed that it runs in my family too and I in turn have ended up hurting girlfriends’ feelings for no good reason. The bad thing about it is that it closes the door in the face of the other person and kind of stops a little bit of affection from flowing. It has taken me a long time to learn this.

So applying a bit of ‘fake it til you make it’ to kick and pet, might mean consciously expressing a tiny bit of heartfelt affection to someone without the kick.. Do it for yourself, just to see how it feels. Remember the recipient of kick and pet doesn’t necessarily know where it’s coming from, just that it feels crappy.

Artwork and general being-

INDEED – You should take a decent amount of pride in your artwork (as well as your writing) It is a great forum for you and your skill is apparent and will only build over the years. My mother spent a lifetime learning about composition, going to painting classes and art exhibitions and exploring for herself. Like any art form it means a lifetime of learning.- but that’s the joy in it. I grew up surrounded by her paintings, often consisting of lone figures expressing dark or ‘stuck ‘ emotions that for some reason as a child I vaguely felt responsible for. Why? Not sure. Maybe because I was the last kid, a ‘surprise, and after the nightmare of raising my older brother and sis, it was clear that in some ways she would have preferred some more painting time instead of another kid. In truth some of her work was linked to her inner emotions and some of it was just telling a story that had nothing to do with her or me or anyone for that matter.

It is good that you have both means of expression – art and writing. I also like Anita’s suggestion of writing very simply in certain personal circumstances to express your heartfelt emotions in the most basic way. I have seen too many artists and writers camouflage their problems/ hide behind their artwork without addressing their own issues.

My hope is that you allow yourself to feel the same kind of high esteem for yourself as you do via your artwork. That you value yourself for yourself. Sounds obvious, cliché and corny but it’s not, especially when we haven’t had a lot of affirmation from those closest to us.

I am very serious when I talk about giving yourself the pat on the back for baby steps, or for starting to consider the charter school or whatever. Helping give you a good feeling about yourself with increasing consistency. Not just feeling good through your art work, but about yourself. Building self esteem is a skill to be learned like anything else, and it’s really easy to let it slide. It takes vigilance.

Someone just said to me that you have to perform ‘stop and frisk’ on yourself to make sure you’re not carrying any low self-esteem weaponry on you. (Did you google ‘stop and frisk’?)

As for your mother, I am getting the bigger picture. But I do still think she wants the best for you. Someone also just said to me that sometimes the people charged with raising us aren’t the best suited for the person we happen to be. So that might play into this as well. Not sure if she understands you completely.

So where do things stand with the Charter school thing now that you’ve mentioned it? Is there a way you can take a very preliminary tour and get a feel for it? Scary, yes, but sometimes scary is good as we move on..

I’m also wondering how things have been with Mom’s bf. Has he settled down somewhat in his abuse? Is it effecting you a little less?

Lemme know! I hope Thanksgiving is good for you. I am away at friends’ but will be checking posts!

• This reply was modified 8 years ago by Driftwood.