Hi Peter,

Thanks for your reply.

Perhaps if we were to give it a name it would be existential depression, but at its very core i find it more logical – that there isn’t point/purpose to a lot that we do and therefore making plans for my ‘future’ becomes extremely difficult. Especially when I’m choosing between 2 things such as moving out/travel or further education. To add, i am interested in a lot of things, i am both academic and creative, and i don’t feel ‘home’ anywhere. these things combined, plus my feeling that everything anyway doesn’t actually matter leads to me doing nothing and thus continuing the cycle. Every option feels like a loose in some way. I get that experience in itself is a wonderful thing, I know this, i have had wonderful experiences and fond memories of things, but I can’t bring myself to the point of new experiences at the moment. or rather deciding which one.

I have been practising mindfulness and did CBT for a while and have learnt to think in the present, appreciate things and this has helped enormously with my anxiety – it hasn’t however dealt with bigger issues i have such as planning what next and making decisions.

I find the world we live in rather silly, and to some extent want to reject it but that can be lonely. I think your point ‘We sit around asking anyone who will listen to tell us who we are, what we should do’ is extremely fundamental to my generation and seeking approval off those people we happen to cross paths with means we never really learn ourselves, we are ever changing and its hard to never reach a point where we understand what we actually want. It gets cloudy/messy.

You said ‘You are your meaning. To ‘find’ it my advice is to stop asking questions and seeking logic and act. Even if everything is pointless what does that thought of pointlessness matter? Why should that stop you from experience?’ I think my problem here is i feel numb to all of this now, almost frozen by indecision. Everything feels like a compromise, not because it necessarily is but because I just feel like I’m doing things to just ‘do things.’ I don’t want to choose things on this basis anymore, but by not choosing i do nothing and that too whilst not an active choice is easier.

I’m not sure I am even attempting to seek happiness, Just something that works. Even writing that, i questioned myself, ‘just something that works’ i don’t mean that. I don’t believe happiness is a continuous thing, it comes in waves, most of the time we are neither happy nor unhappy and i wonder maybe that is what happiness is – not feeling unhappy, if that makes sense!