Dear Debbie:

Was it Shakespeare that said The world is a stage and we are all mere actors? In a way, in many ways, really, we are stumbling in the dark, bumping into walls and we get by pretending we know what we are doing… I see most people this way. I definitely stumbled in the dark for decades and it is only recently that I am seeing so much in what was once darkness. At first, when I started seeing, it scared me too and made me feel sick to my stomach.

Your therapist said that everyone projects their personal experience- of course, and so does he. Every person processes objective information through his/ her subjective brain- subjective, because the brain is way, way more impressed by personal experience than by information we read in a book, or many books, even a PhD worth library.

I can tell you a few facts and I invite opposing opinions on the matter from any of your friends, therapist, readers here, anyone:

1. The relationship was not perfect; he is not perfect and neither are you.
2. He was emotionally invested in the relationship $25,000+ worth invested.
3. The relationship itself distressed him, not just his work situation. If the relationship was all loving and comforting, he would have adhered to it more, and he wouldn’t have let it go.
4. He is the only dependable source of information for you, if he gave you his honest thoughts and feelings and if you were calm enough to accurately process that information (instead of denying it, ignoring it, editing it in your brain).
5. Regarding the prognosis, what will-be, no one can tell the future. It doesn’t look good because he is not talking to you.

Debbie, if your sense of safety with him was based on a delusion, wishful thinking, magic… it is better the bubble deflates now than later. Better before than after the fancy wedding. I believe seeing reality is better than not. The comfort in delusion is temporary and there is a heavy price to pay later.

anita