@Driftwood: Hey. Glad you were able to meet new people, as peculiar as they were.

Yeah – I was too deep in my own petty problems rather than taking the time to soak in my surroundings, and being able to appreciate them. Instead of using my phone to complain on twitter, I could’ve been taking photos of my own, of the bright turquoise ocean. Or I could’ve been practicing tennis/swimming, instead of spending every summer playing online games.

Correct, it is to visit my S.O. Why I’m saying it’s theoretical is because it’s all if mom’s willing/able to afford the trip, by then. I would be looking for a job right now (to save up myself), but everything in range is mostly restaurants, and I feel like that wouldn’t look too impressive in an artist’s resume, later on. Maybe I’m just being dumb and digging for any excuse to not leave the house and take on responsibility. I don’t know.

I do feel like I’m gaining distance on the situation, day by day. I’m finding and rediscovering music here and there, to block out his voice with. I’m looking back at previous events, to realize how ridiculous his behavior is. I just don’t know where to go from here, besides continuing to withdraw my emotions from the situation, shut up and get work (schoolwork and art) done. Next counseling appointment is on the 8th, so I’ll see where I can blindly steer conversation.

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Had a friend over last night to a few hours ago. She would’ve happily stayed longer if her father hasn’t been having separation anxiety, lately. But she’s caring, she cleaned up after the dogs for me. Her winter formal was Saturday night (which is why she only came over yesterday), and she kept mentioning that I’m always welcomed to come to her proms, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out. (She knows I get sad when everyone gets to reenact She’s All That, and I can only sulk in bed.) But she’s also broke (a bit worse than us) so she knows the pain of shopping for a “cheap”, fitting prom dress. I think it’s better if I don’t bother. Maybe senior year, so I can conceive some sort of awful story to tell from time to time.

And my other friend, the one that’s more successful/productive than me, only needs one more school year to graduate. It’s a little degrading because I’m easily more intelligent than her, but I just can’t prove it. I know school education isn’t all about intelligence (it’s more like just actually keeping up with assignments that are reusing the stuff you learned in 3rd grade), but I still can’t help but feel insulted. I only passed one or two classes this semester, due to how awful I took everything from September to recently.

That leads me into another random thought I had. I feel like my anxiety holds back my true potential when it comes to my intelligence. I have a hard time suggesting solutions to things in fear that it’ll be the wrong answer. Or questioning people’s statements. And with counseling, I run through lengthy conversations in my head, but nothing comes out when I sit on the scrawny, pleather couch. Can’t give advice, either; I usually just tell friends to run to Google if they need something, because I don’t have much experience with anything. I have trouble questioning people’s opinions on things, because I feel like mine would be wrong (even if there’s so such thing). I’m usually too scared to think for myself and form my own opinions.

Oh, and the design I made is going to be part of next month’s sticker pack. While I’m not being paid, it’s still a nice amount of exposure.

(Also, I’m sorry if my grammar and general quality of my writing has been noticeably declining. I’ve been having lot of trouble lately with proofreading, just because I don’t usually type/read much anymore.)