Dear Harry:

What is happening in your mind is indeed normal for a person who is afraid. You perceive this relationship (as would be with any intimate boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) as dangerous. You perceive this relationship as DANGER. So your mind is obsessing (looking for the solution of the problem, the problem being the danger perceived) and it comes up with the obvious solution: end this (beginning) relationship. And so, the danger ends.

How to end it? If I talk to another girl, this relationship will end. If I stop feeling loving feelings for her, this relationship will end.

I hope that if you understand your motivation (to protect yourself from perceived danger), you will not feel guilty for your various efforts to protect yourself.

What is the best solution then? First, keep in mind that it may be to not have a relationship right now, that is, tell her that you are too anxious to have a relationship with anyone. Another possible solution: tell her how anxious you are and see if she has any solutions that the two of you can practice together (talking about it, for one).

Another solution is to seek competent psychotherapy for yourself. before Valentine Day, on Feb 9, you wrote: “my concerns lie in what happens afterward, the relationship itself. I’m worried because I feel like I’d mess it up or do something wrong to ruin it all.”- this would need to be attended to in therapy, this fear which existed before the beginning of this relationship. What are the roots of this fear? What was the danger in your childhood (parents’ disapproval, rejection, possibly)?

Please post again.

anita