Dear hungryhamster:

I just came across your “update” note. Don’t know why, but I no longer get those automatic notices when my name is tagged (in an update or in a thread).

Anxiety is an ongoing fear, on and on – with breaks. We are afraid when there is no clear-and-imminent-danger. The fear is based on past childhood experiences and it keeps circulating in our brains as adults. Anxiety is very common. You feeling awkward in social situation, like with his friends, does not mean you have a developmental disorder that you were born with (Asperger’s, if it is considered something a person is born with). Being anxious explains it plenty.

There is no way to deal with anxiety other than slowly, gradually and patiently. If you are patient with yourself, allowing for gradual progress, allowing for times of no progress and even regression, but persisting in moving forward over time, this attitude will help you greatly. When in a relationship, he too should practice such patience with you, such gentleness. Communicating clearly with each other is most important.

A relationship should be a win-win proposition where the two parties help each other. You needed his help and he needed your help. If the two of you held each other hand and walked together through what is scary for each walking alone, that would have been a wonderful thing.

When you spent time in the presence of his friends, what was the purpose of such a get-together, I wonder. If his motivation was to seek their approval of you, I can only imagine that would scare you. I wouldn’t like it, if that was the case, if I was you. I wouldn’t like the idea of my boyfriend needing his friends’ approval of me. And knowing I am being tested, would have stressed me out.

Twelve hours a day work? That would explain more than maybe a possible mild case of Asperger’s.

Regarding your dislike of your body- very common. So very, very common, unfortunately.

And this is my point, as it just became clear to me: don’t marginalize yourself as “weird” or one suffering from an inherent disorder, doomed for life as “different”- I used to think that way and I was wrong!

You are not abnormal or weird, you are just anxious. It is very uncomfortable and unpleasant to be anxious, I know too well. But if you learn to not be anxious about being anxious, not to label yourself as abnormal or weird because you are anxious… that will help you.

Fear keeps us from living better, from acting for our own benefit, absolutely. And there are ways to heal from intense fear, over time, slowly, gradually. In a relationship, you have what it takes to help your (future) boyfriend, more than you know, I am sure of that.

Please post again, I wrote too much here, for one post.

anita