Dear wildoceanflower:

I re-read your previous thread of two moths ago as well as this one.

You started the old one with: “My boyfriend finished with me before my 40th birthday”- and it reads throughout your sharing as if he finished-you (not finished WITH you) before your 40 birthday, that your life is now over. And indeed you wrote there “this is the worst thing ever”- as if indeed, your life is over.

Then you explain why your life is over: you are 40, you don’t have children. You explained that in your area there are few available men, and men treat women like throwaways, and therefore there are lots of single mothers in your area.

You continue to suggest that you did not want to have children as a single mother because you wanted to be married AND have children, and now it is too late for you to be a single mother. You present a situation where the single mothers in your area have succeeded in life, beyond you, because they have children.

According to your thinking, your ex’s new girlfriend of ONE MONTH is a very successful woman because she is moving in or already moved in with him. And she already has a child. And, she may have another child with him. In your mind, she is a successful woman, while you are a failure.

You wrote: “it’s like all my worst nightmares but the very worst would be if she got pregnant and then forced a marriage”-

You wrote about this new ONE MONTH, live-in girlfriend: “She has a young child of 11, not much money, sounds emotionally needy…”

You wrote: “My dream was to have a child together and live together”. And now, this ONE MONTH new, live-in girlfriend is living your dream. You continued: “I would die if I saw her with him. living my life. living in his house… she probably feels sympathy for me… after all, she got him

Here is a list of distorted thinking I identified in your posts (the order listed is not of importance):

1. The new girlfriend “got him”- that is has him, your ex boyfriend. No, she doesn’t have him, she is living in his house for the moment, that is all. She gets to live in his house, with her son. She doesn’t know what tomorrow brings. He certainly doesn’t have the history (never have been married himself) to indicate to her that there is stability with him. She is probably determined to do her best to stay in his house, willing to say and do anything, knowing she can be thrown our of his house anytime.

2. When a woman has a child or children, as a single mother or as a married mother, it does not make her successful. Only if she is a GOOD mother, raising physically/ mentally healthy children, then she is successful. Most mothers do not accomplish this.

3. If a woman is married, it does not make her successful. Only if she has a healthy, loving relationship, then she (and husband) are successful. Therefore, most married women (and those in relationships) are not successful, not for long.

Your thoughts/ feelings?

anita