Dear bricklady:

I re-thought was has happened and what is happening here. If you consider what I am about to write, please be as calm as you can be as you read it, if you are not calm, maybe postpone reading till later.

You met Brickman for the first time in your life May 2016, less than a year ago. Two months later, you already met his children. Maybe already that July, two months after meeting him, you were already sleeping over (although at first he slept on the sofa) in his home and a significant amount of your stuff was permanently in his home. You were also involved in parenting decisions regarding the children’s dinner choices, friends choices, etc. When there were disagreements between you and Brickman regarding the children, you talked and came to resolutions. A suggestion was made that you move in December 2016, and later in summer 2017.

You wrote that the two of you took it slow, but this time schedule suggests the two of you took the relationship very fast, the speed of light, considering he was freshly out of a long marriage at the time you met him.

This is my understanding. It is not 100% accurate, of course, more of my theory based on your posts and our communication here: You met a man in transition, very vulnerable. You also met a man who was unassertive, a people pleaser, ready to bend over to accommodate others. This is probably how his marriage was for the longest time. This may be why his elder daughter talks disrespectfully to him, having witnessed that he was submissive to her mother, not standing up for himself.

At one point during this fast relationship, he became very distressed, maybe his blood pressure went up because of his distress, he had a therapy session, and came to the realization that the relationship with you is not working out for him. He felt very strongly about ending it and wanted to have zero contact with you.

But you disagreed and pressured him (directly and through his friends)  to reduce but keep contact. Being the unassertive man that he is, hating confrontations, he caved in. When he had you remove your belongings from his home, he felt very badly, being the people pleaser that he is and fearing confrontation. He didn’t want you angry, that is why he apologized so profusely for you taking your stuff out.

As time progresses, he is feeling more and more comfortable with the separation, which is what I believe this is. I don’t think this is a waiting period for him. I think this relationship was way too soon for him. I also think you mistook some of his people-pleasing, unassertive behaviors and accommodations to you as being loving.

I think that it doesn’t matter who the woman would have been, if it wasn’t you- he was not and is not ready. He is definitely not ready for a live-in. He may have been okay with a female friend for a little bit of socializing time, but he was not and is not ready for a replacement wife or a replacement mother to his kids.

You were and are very eager to be those things, and already took those roles upon yourself. This is an indication, to me, of your neediness and his accommodating ways to you, ways that fit you very well.

In summary: I think that this relationship is over. I don’t think this is what you want to read. But this is what I think nonetheless.

Notice, bricklady: there were no promises made: a marriage didn’t take place. It is his right to make a choice to separate from you. There is no debt, nothing he owes you (as long as there was no contract made between the two of you).

anita