Hey everyone,
I wonder how far unconditional love and forgiveness can go before it gets in the way of self-love and self-respect. I wonder if what I actually am doing with one person I deeply love is, in fact, only a way to run away from myself. What causes truly this fear of getting comited? Can people have lack of self-love or self-worth which causes them to believe they don’t deserve a deep relationship? I truly believe others are our miroirs and help us to see what we are too afraid of looking at inside of ourselves.

There’s this man in my life, which I suspect is afraid of comitment. It’s the second time now that he kind of run away from our relationship because it seems like he gets confused or I really don’t know. And each time it causes me lots of pain, I’m deeply hurt by this happening because I feel so strongly towards this person, and there’s something inside of me which knows he feels the same or, at least, felt the same for a certain time. It was extremely special between the two of us since the very begining, and even before. So then, that man litteraly is my biggest teacher. Because it seems like, in the end, he always does the perfect thing to make me realize what I am doing wrong towards myself, how do I need to grow, to evolve. The first time he left (at the end of the past summer) got me so much growth and learning, I had to confronte all my deepest wounds because I felt destroyed. He triggers each wound that lies deeply into myself and which I used to not want to look at, keeping me from evolving. But each time I realize I’m not being love for myself, he does the perfect thing to make me look at what I am running away from, myself. Then, at the begining of the year, we reconnected through social media because I took of his news and it felt so good, he almost said he was sorry, but still, never told me really. Said he was thinking about me lately, wanted to take of my news but didn’t know if it was the right time. We even made some projects together for the summer, he really seemed to feel like he wanted to be with me even if we only talked on social media during this time. But then at the begining of mars it seemed like he started to feel triggered again as well as I did with my old demons (lack of self-esteem, feeling of not being seen, and so on) and he kind of got distant again, even tough he tried to hide it a bit I felt it.
But then a morning he slightly came back to me by message, as if he had an illumination for a reason I don’t know, and at this moment I took the courage to tell him I didn’t know how to deal with this behavior of him anymore, not a second time. Hoping that it would make him reflect on what he truly wants, that maybe he would realize what he is doing, what it implies, that I will not be there forever, because it deeply hurts to feel like he only come to me when he wants to. Well, it’s been two weeks now, he still hasn’t answered. It may be all over. I don’t know.

And still, I have this big faith in the bottom of my heart that we have a big potentiel together. But how can this be? When the same man come and leave and come again? Is this really healthy to “believe” into such a thing? Sometimes I really want him in my life and I know that those moments cannot be coming from a peaceful heart and mind. But my feelings are guenuine and selfless, and I wonder if I am disrecpecting myself by keeping this big faith. Can someone scared or unsure about comitment ever change his mind? I doubt it, as time passes I’m slowly loosing my hope. Tonight is a rough night.

I feel like I can’t keep doing this anymore. I need to love myself enough to not wait for someone. But I feel like this could be so right. Am I only running from myself by wanting something with someone inavalaible? Is it illusional to think we help each other healing our wounds and old beliefs to become the best version of ourselves, which result in some times of physical separation?

I think I just need someone to tell me if I’m being unhealthy in this whole thing now.