Hi Anita, Thanks for writing back.

“maybe you don’t want to be like your mother, desperate for a man and you make sure that you are not, that you do not give men “too many chances”-

That is very true, I’ve actually thought this about myself as well. The first guy a talked about (the strange one). He actually was very much like my father (accept far, far worse, but very familiar) and even though I was so, full of a lust and my brain wasn’t functioning properly. I still didn’t want to come across as desperate. So even though I wanted to run to him all the time, I forced myself to hold back. I mean I did run a few times, but I tried so, so hard to control myself and not to. I didn’t want to be my mother. Of course it made no difference, he still treated me poorly. I’m pretty sure that relationship was about me seeing this guy acting like my father (except a whole lot worse) and me trying to fix the past. I swear I had the same conversations with my dad as I did with this guy. Just re-enacting the same scenes with a different man. I gave up in the end.

You wrote, in that same paragraph I quoted above: “my father was quite childish and irresponsible.. and my mother because so in love made excuses for him”- this may be why growing up you “always wanting him to save his money rather than spend it”- wanting him to be responsible and love your mother.

Yes I certainly would agree with that. I wanted him to be responsible and love my mother. I think I really felt for my mother deeply and felt she deserved to be loved, because she was a) a nice mother (despite all her issues) b)I thought she deserved to be be really loved c)I could feel her pain d)maybe knowing her story about her father, her mother, my father not loving her, I just desperately wanted her to feel happy and loved e)so I suppose yes, I was sort of transferring her desires on to me.

I wonder if you made a decision in your mind, early on, that as long as your mother is not loved (her theme was, you stated, that she is unloved, not only by your father but by others, like her own father), it is not okay for you to be loved. I wonder if this belief is underneath your great discomfort when the last man in your life put you on a pedestal…?

You could be right, I am not sure to be honest. I guess there could be something in there about me “not feeling okay to be loved as long as my mother is not loved”. I am not sure how to know this though?

The last man that put me on a pedestal was uncomfortable because it was a bit over the top and theatrical in nature.A little bit of a pedestal is fine, but too much and it’s unnerving, plus lots of other red flags. It was too much pressure on me. Especially since, I saw cracks on how he critisized others with such trivial things and I thought eventually when he gotten over the lust phase of our relationship he would start to find issues in me and I would be off that pedestal.

I think I did progress a lot from the first to the second relationship though and it help me get some clarity. The way I was treated by second guy was like “night and day”. I really did want to give it a chance, because there were some lovely aspects to him, like he was always contacting me, checking up on how I was, trying to nut certain things out, affectionate, made me laugh like no one else has been able to, appreciative of things I did etc And so when the red flags came I really was like “are they really red flags?” or is this me just trying to make excuses because I am not used to being treated like this? But no really, there were too many red flags, so despite the lovely aspects of him, it still would have not worked. But it taught me a lot about what good aspects to look for in a man.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mia.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Mia.