Dear Shasha:

I feel sad, very sad reading your story, your real life experience.

You wrote: “I feel like I could break into a million little pieces and never come back again to who I was”- pain feels like that, like it will break us. It is surprising, how much pain people do endure and do not permanently fall apart. It is amazing how resilient people are.

Not only people, but living things, from plants to animals, surviving the most difficult circumstances, most unaccommodating situations, survive and thrive.

Remember that although your pain feels too intense to endure, you will endure it and survive. And although you may not go back to the way you were, you will experience pleasure again, calm and meaningful experiences.

Same for her children. If they receive the comfort they need; if their pain is seen and listened to, they will not only survive but they will thrive as they grow.

You asked: “how do I go through this journey without falling apart?”- rely on nature, those plants and animals surviving so much, and millions of people surviving and even thriving after immense sadness. You don’t have to micro-manage this process, in nature, of which we are a part of, there is an amazing ability to survive and thrive through and following the most trying circumstances.

I hope your sister heals and recovers. I hope that together, you, your sister and all your children unite at this time, support and comfort each other. It is possible that one or more of the children, especially hers, may want to separate herself/himself emotionally from your sister so to not hurt as much, to not care as much. Later on, that child may feel very guilty and suffer unnecessarily. Pay attention to such a possibility, and let that child know you understand how much he/she loves his mother and that it is natural to want to protect oneself and create that emotional distance. Guide that child to show his love for his mother and to believe that his feelings are okay to have.

Please post again and take good care of yourself.

anita