Dear littlered:

I am glad you found my last post to you useful.

You wrote in your last post that a very strong core belief you have is that  “bad things happen to me… that out of this only harm will come to me…I always expect bad news or bad stuff to happen to me.”

You asked: “Any idea why?” Yes, I have an idea why: it is, I believe, the combination of three things that happened in your childhood:

1. Bad things did happen to you.

2. No one helped you when those things happened.

3. When you tried to help yourself, you were scolded and silenced.

As a result of these three things, you “had to suffer in silence praying and begging god to make this go away…Childhood was one horrible time with my mostly crying in silence watching others ruin my life and my caretakers not do anything.”

Bad things happening, no one helping/ protecting/ rescuing you and, on top of it, silencing your protests and your efforts to change the situation led, naturally, to your core belief that this is how it is and will continue to be. This core belief is a result of neuropathways being formed in your childhood (those Formative Years) based on your experiences then.

You asked: “And how can I change this?”-

There is only one way to change this core belief, and that is to form new experiences (and corresponding new neuropathways). We learn from our actual experience in life: nothing convinces us of anything meaningful unless we experience it.

Regarding # 1 above: bad things happening- some bad things will continue to happen, as they do to everyone (only with your core belief, anything unfavorable as a dress not in stock, seems worse than it is). You can’t change unfavorable or bad things happening.

Regarding #2: we do need other people’s help. You asked for help  on this thread, this is a good thing. Ask others for help, when it is in their power and ability to help and when you do need their help.

Regarding #3: helping yourself- this is the big item for you to practice. There is no opportunity that is too small to be used for this practice. For example, you are in your apartment and it is too warm inside. Help yourself: open a window. Another example: your shoes feel uncomfortable. Help yourself and change shoes. One more example: you are in the company of a person who is covertly hostile to you. Help yourself: remove yourself from the presence of that person.

Every time you practice not being silent, not being passive, you gain the necessary experience you need to help yourself, to initiate acts that will benefit you and protect you from harm and you build confidence that you are able to do these things. Use every opportunity and it will become a habit, over time.

You wrote: “I always want to do something and fix my life so I am not a passive person. I am willing to do everything in my power to heal myself and my life. I want to know how.”-

Practice.

You wrote: “Most of the times my feeling during these kind of experience is that a tight elastic band is inside my head which is preventing me from expanding or feeling good… I can feel that band inside my head I don’t know what it is. I have migraine also…”

As you practice, during a time of practicing this new behavior, you will feel that “tight elastic band”, unfortunately. I wish it wasn’t so, but I don’t make the rules. This is why most healing and changing mental/ behavioral habits are so very difficult: it doesn’t feel good!

Over time, you will feel good, and at times during the initial practice you will feel good, but often and for a long time, you will not feel good. A thinking-trap is: I will change my mental/behavioral habit AFTER I feel good. No, you have to change it while you are not feeling good, while that tight elastic band is in your way.

I have an idea what this tight-elastic-band may be, but enough for this post.

Post again, anytime.

anita