Dear Betty:

My advice is to talk with your kids about their father’s behavior, not to bad mouth him, but to give them the opportunity to communicate their distress about his behavior. Following such talks, you may have a better idea about what you can do, in practice, to protect/ help them further.

It will be very difficult for you, I assume, to have such conversations with your kids because your emotions on the topic are so intense. If you can calm yourself and remain reasonably calm during such conversations, do ask your kids open ended questions regarding their father’s behavior (not leading questions, like: are you hurt by your father doing X? Instead: when your father did X, how did it make you feel?)

Your kids may answer you honestly if they feel that you are not too distressed, if they believe you can handle their answers. Otherwise, they will deny their distress so to protect you. This is why you will need, I believe, to establish with them first a trust they need to have: that you can remain calm whatever their answers may be.

Post again, anytime. I would like to be helpful.

anita