Hi Anita, i have attempted several times to write back, but couldnt decide on what i would say, too many different things in my head.

I am aware that a negative though pattern and habit can have such a bad effect on my life. I certainly seem to think in negative patterns but am not so aware of it until others tell me. I am not sure how it came about really but i suppose you could assume it stemmed from my parents patterns..my mother was always discontented with what she had & created a belief that us women were oppressed so i was raised in a feminist but conformist way. Feminist because of the beliefs she had but conformist because no change was made in her life to alter that. This could, you would say, raise feelings of frustration..that the world is not made for you.

I dont know. On the one hand i feel that i have never wanted too much for myself, just enough. When i was younger, i remember i often had girlfriends who were jealous of me, they wanted so much..i would sabotage my own successes and fortune to try and make them feel better. This of course did not work, temporarily they would be happy, then something else would crop up. I never learnt how to assert myself in a good way. This may seem strange, but sometimes i felt my boyfriend was jealous of me in the same way. He felt the need to put me down..to make himself feel better, i felt i was strong enough not to be affected by it.

I have also seen wealthy people´s lives. I had a boyfriend who was a trustfund child and although he made sure he had a job and paid his way i think he struggled with feeling he was an authentic person.  All of the older wealthy people he was around seemed so jaded and resentful. he was always upbeat and light but hid a lot of sadness inside..I was attracted to his positive nature and the same was true for my ex, both had domineering, larger than life fathers. My ex boyfriend´s best friend also had never had a job in his life. There was mental illness in his family and he was committed after a few scary episodes..i saw one of them and i have to say i was scared for my life, he was unrecognizable. now he has to take heavy medication on a permanent basis which has altered his character. I dont believe he was ever satisfied in his life. So, yeah..money isnt everything.

Even just in the way that i will tell you sad stuff is annoying, why can i not look at things in a positive way? I see how that is draining to others.