Dear anita:

First, I do hope that you will share at some point what you think is an answer to the questions I posted above.

Second, yes, I agree, I have read and can read more, but – this is my problem as you have already pinpointed it (and this is even more true for science and/or academia, where people (say, scientists) believe that A is A, for instance, but then something happens, something new is discovered and A is no longer A, but B… I have had that phrase on my mind for quite some time now, so I’ll put it forward here – drowning. I sometimes literally feel like I am drowning in all the minute details, when it seems that A is A, but if you look at another angle, then A is no longer A. Like those parallel lines that can be parallel and never crossing each other in Euclid geometry, but then in Lobachevsky’s geometry they can be 100% parallel and still intersecting.

So yes, I agree, I would like to see a little bit of the big picture.

So back to my parents and me. Forgive me if I run forward of your train of thoughts a little bit, but I can’t help but showing how, on the one hand, it does seem to fit together, but on the other – not that it doesn’t, but I have the problem on my hands, but don’t know what to do with it, where the way out is.

So the general picture of my relationship with men does seem to fit the pattern that I noticed when I was with my parents. That is, if there are three of us, say, we go for a walk, my parents are together, hand in hand, and I am on the side, either forward or behind them, like a dog on a leash. Forward or behind – mostly because most sidewalks or paths are not enough for three people to walk together hand in hand. And so it is natural for my parents, as partners, to be together and I am sort of on the side.

And, if there are three of us, then, say, if I want to go to the left, my parents would most likely be in agreement and want to go to the right. So I have to comply. (Again, there are numerous exceptions, but this is the general trend – at least this is how I feel (but my feelings may be deceiving – that is why I asked all those questions in my previous post).)

That led me to a) start dreaming of the time when my wishes are taken into account more than they are “now” – that is when I find my partner (I am talking about me being a teenager and starting dreaming about love, Prince Charming and all that romantic staff) and b) if there are going to be three of us, I am not going.

This “on the side” and option b) seems to perfectly match the stance I take with my partners. First, I find an unavailable man (and start pining over him and how poor I am that he is not fully available for me – just like my father or mother – because he is with somebody else), second, I wait – and oh, I can be VERY patient – till he is done with his partner for the time being and comes back to me.

This pattern is indeed a pattern. What I don’t know is where to go from here because (and I have come across several posts on the web from women in similar situations, so I am not alone)… it literally seems like I have some inbuilt radar for married (or unavailable) men. In all of my entire life, I have only been attracted to four men who were not married, and out of those four one was not yet over his girlfriend (the “three-year” guy) and one was a confirmed bachelor not looking for romance at all (and older than me by 20+). When I say “attracted” here, I mean that I enjoyed looking at them, would love to hug them and be hugged by them and – no matter how that would seem to other people – could definitely see myself with them in a picture and would enjoy spending lots of time together. No matter how my head works, no matter if my mind better controls my emotions and I am able to stop any action leading in the wrong direction now, I don’t know how to prevent my being attracted to men like this.

Because I did meet a guy last year (I used the word “courted” in my brief description somewhere above), but I – literally! – cringe at the thought of him taking my hand. Complete aversion.

Or that other guy who seems set on dating me now (the one from the shooting range). With him, it is neutral. And I don’t see it growing anywhere from there. If I don’t like a guy within the first hour of communicating with him, it is hopeless.

So this is what I have been able to figure out based on my reading and the problem that I don’t know how to approach (that of basic attraction).

My only hope is (based on reading) that I can somehow change something inside myself and then – potentially – I could become attracted to right partners.

So maybe I overlooked something and you could point me to that – or just say what you think.

Oh yes, I will repeat myself about that my parents and I thing – since all little girls have parents (well, most) and it is stressed everywhere that the relationship between the parents comes first – I really, really have trouble understanding why the vast majority of women don’t have the problems that I have. Or maybe they do? Or maybe it is I that is so special and sensitive in this respect? I don’t know.

This is where the picture is more or less big enough. I would be happy to try and paint the big picture of the other three contexts, as you put it, but – again – it would be my overall impression of my relationship with my father, my mother and their relationship between themselves. Just a generic feeling I get when I hear “What do you think of your father and yourself?” and the like. What I don’t know is that if you are looking for certain symptoms in those relationships, you will for sure find them and the examples of the opposite that I might bring may be treated as exceptions or something – well, I don’t know, it is such a mix, but I could try. Besides, it is one thing how I felt about that relationship when I was 13 or 15 and another what I feel (and know) now that I am 32. Again, it is so mixed and tangled with so many nuances that I don’t know where to start or how to approach it.

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