Anita,

I guess I can understand how that can be a possibility of what is happening but I just can’t pinpoint it. I remember when I was young I would wake up in the middle of the night, or early in the morning and “check” if that OCD was still there. I find myself doing that the last couple of days. He will send me a text and I’ll react, something nice and my brain tells me “eww” or “ugh annoying” or “you don’t feel the same way back”, I’ve been doing the opposite of what my brain tells me and I still continue to show love, affection, and pretend like I am feeling the same way I have always felt to let my OCD ITS not going to win this. I guess I have pretty catastrophic thinking, and I tell myself constantly you’re going to break his heart you’re going to leave him, and I Panic.

Im having just a difficult time feeling this way because this has never happened in our relationship before. I know OCD only targets things that matter, and honestly of exactly 2 years of being together, besides the first 4, these last 6 months have been the best we have ever been and the only time I can actually say I really might marry this guy. Maybe my OCD is targeting him because it’s realizing how much I love him now and how he’s changed completely for me. Before, there was no time for OCD because something was always wrong in our relationship, but now that is has the ability to blossom and really turn into something huge, I am panicking. I read many posts online & they state “if you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t have OCD towards him”, and I try to think this is true and show myself that I really do love him.

I also feel like I make it seem like the end of the world, like okay let’s say my OCD drives me to break up with him out of impulse and a compulsion, the very next day I know I would go back and he would understand and I will realize fast what I want. Just like my childhood when I was always wanting to make up a lie and scared I would tell that lie and ruin someone’s entire life (saying someone hurt me), when in reality if I did I could easily say 5 seconds later I was lying, my OCD freaked me out and made me do that, etc. I tend to think that acting on my OCD in these situations is life or death.

I don’t even crave being alone… yes i love spending time with my friends but it’s not something I would rather do all the time and be single. Another thing you could put into consideration is that where we live, I feel that he is my only best friend. I have plenty of friends there, but really he’s the only one I care to spend time with. Here where we live in the summer, I have my parents, my family, my 2 bestfriends, and just more people. Do you think that my mind is tricking me into thinking I don’t need him becusse I have all these other people? Or that because I am spending time with all these people and I’m fine with not being with him, I don’t love him. I really think my mind is playing tricks on me and I just want to get to the bottom of WHY his HAPPENING now coming home for summer, what caused it, and what I can tell myself is the reason for my feelings/thoughts.