Hello again.

I’ve taken some time away, in the hopes that I could finally put all of this past me. Somehow though, I still find myself struggling despite knowing all that I do. I wrote this to him today, I have not sent it, yet for some reason I long to. I don’t know why. Anyway, here it is:

Dear J,

I’m writing you this to have closure for myself. It’s been 55 days since we “broke up”, and somehow I still find myself upset over what happened, missing you, and missing what I thought was a deep and meaningful connection. It’s clear you no longer (maybe you never did?) feel the same way, which is reason enough to let you go, yet somehow I find myself stuck in this place.

I think back to when it seemed like we were in love with each other, it felt like pure love to me that I had never had before. I was completely myself with you and I felt accepted and adored by you. I don’t know if you were pretending, but the way you attended to me made me feel so special, loved, and ultimately, yours. In the time since that went away, I’ve felt the opposite. Alone, unloved, discarded and unworthy. I keep dreaming (literally many nights) that the you I knew came back to me. This version of you is caring, attentive, loving, and most of all, mine. I honestly see who you are now as a completely different person. You have the same face, the same body, the same voice, but everything else is different. The other you, “my” you, would never have done what you have. He loved me, he was always there for me, always making sure I was okay. He thought I was special, he was going to marry me and we were going to have beautiful babies together. That dream still brings a tear to my eye, I’ve never wanted that with anyone before. I wanted it so badly, to be your person and you mine. I thought you did to.

What I don’t understand is why you stopped wanting it. Why you felt suddenly that you could do better, or that I wasn’t the one, or that this dream wasn’t as beautiful as you thought it was. I’m perpetually confused by it. I have so much to offer, this I know. I’m attractive, educated, successful, sociable and kind. Most of all, I adored you. I was proud of you, I wanted to do what I could to help you see yourself the way I saw you. I truly loved you in a way I haven’t anyone else.  How could you let all of that go without a second thought, without trying to work it out with me? I don’t understand what happened for you to change your mind about me, to stop seeing my value and the life we could have had. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to fully let it go. I honestly do not understand, and I’m left in a state of confusion and hurt.

Maybe you can help me understand, maybe you have the answer. I was so happy when I thought you loved me, the happiest I have ever been. Why did it all go away?

⁃ L

Thank you for reading.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by laelithia.