Dear steph:

You wrote: “My father would scold me and spank me for doing something wrong, but those were actions he grew out of”-  he grew out of scolding and spanking you. Maybe you didn’t grow out of the scolding and spanking. These are very common practices by parents. Unfortunately, they are not as harmless to a child as they are common. I am glad he is very kind and compassionate and that you are very close.

You asked: “have you had any experiences with ‘spiritual awakenings’?… I have somewhat constant depersonalization and derealization which is very unsettling… induce even more anxiety upon me… I once felt so much immense joy and pleasure with life–objects were glowing with liveliness, helping others was just a natural tendency, etc.  …Do either of you have any experience with this? ”

Yes, I do have plenty of experience with depersonalization and derealization. The two are the natural and automatic body/brain reactions to intense anxiety- the two help us survive perceived danger. Animals in the wild, caught by a predator, experience these. There are three responses to perceived danger: Flight, Fight and Freeze. The two discussed here are the experience of Freezing and are engaged in, by animals, when they can’t run away (Flight) or fight the danger.

The symptoms of depersonalization and derealization are helpful in the short term. Someone called them “nature’s last mercy’, something like that, making it possible for animals to not hurt so much when they are about to be devoured/ die. These reactions to danger are not meant to be experienced long term, and so, when we humans, experience these symptoms long term, they add to our anxiety, making (me) feel weird, unacceptable, abnormal. (Once I understood the nature of it, my weirdness/ abnormal feelings weakened greatly).

These are not “spiritual awakening” experiences any more than they are for animals caught between the teeth of a predator.

The experiences of “glowing with liveliness” and being engaged in interactions with others do not happen when depersonalized or experiencing derealization (an animal glowing with liveliness will feel every bite when in the mouth of a predator…)

Let me know of your thoughts/ feelings about my input so far (I have more…)?

anita