Hi again, Jeff!

Sounds very familiar – though I can’t say I am 100% in love with my unavailable man, but I still can’t get him off my mind even though the last time we communicated more or less regularly was February 2016. Since then, we saw each other a couple of times in a crowd, exchanged a few words, a few texts and a few emails, but nothing like that regular communication that we used to have for four months leading up to February 2016 when he suddenly stopped our regular communication.

I think it wouldn’t be far from the truth to say that he led me on only to realise that he didn’t have it in him to do more and to continue, because we had talked about everything mostly via emails and texts and it was already time to go further and in person…

I also know that even if he had been free (his marriage has been almost non-existent for six years now, but he doesn’t divorce either because of his kids (the elder one just got into college, the younger still has three years of high school) or because he literally dreads his wife (or both)), nothing good would have come out of it because he is still unavailable. So either way, it would be too early to get involved with him… I can almost see “Unavailable” printed in big letters on his forehead.

But I still can’t stop thinking about him. In a good way, it is not consuming me. I can’t say that I engage in daydreaming and don’t notice other men, but it is more like a light cloud constantly on my mind.

Finally, what I did is I let him know that I couldn’t stop thinking about him early in June this year. I figured it wouldn’t make it worse for me to let it out. And in fact, it did take some burden off my chest. And it made him feel good. And now I know for sure that I won’t be making any attempts to contact him unless he does so. It worked as a closure of sorts for me.

He wrote back that he was “flattered” and “sorry” and “ugh” and that he was still there (in the area where I live), but “the same old mess.”

And I am almost sure that once he is free, he will look out for me (the chemistry was all there). And, after all my healing, I now feel confident that I have it under my control not to get involved with him if he is still unavailable.

I certainly wouldn’t say that I am waiting for him. I am open to others. Besides, I had it in the past when I thought I would be waiting for somebody only for somebody else to come along and COMPLETELY change my mind and my course. So I feel okay, even optimistic I’d say. But for now, I still have him on my mind, in the very same way as it has been for the past 1.5 years.

X

P.S. If you are looking for meditations, here are two free resources I have in my bookmarks:

http://marc.ucla.edu/mindful-meditations

https://medical.mit.edu/community/sleep/resources