Dear Anita,

I think it is interesting how I have aligned my desire for attention and intimacy from my mother with my girlfriend. It’s not something I ever really thought about, but I have had thoughts about how I should try to make my current relationship more like a relationship with a friend or my family members. What I mean by this is being content with my situation and not being affected by subtle things such as short responses, responses with the unwanted enthusiasm/attitude, etc. I can tell that with my girlfriend I’m always looking for clues of denial, betrayal, non-responsiveness, negative emotions or anything that could mean I’m doing something “wrong” so to speak.

I believe I have struggled so much with dating girls because of the various pressures, internally and externally. On the inside, I’m wanting intimacy and attention; I want their all. On the outside, I have to take into account their emotions to check on whether I’m handling situations right or not, something you mentioned in a previous post where women expect men to read minds, fix their emotions, etc. These pressures take turns making my relationships difficult because it takes in depth thinking to separate out what’s a real problem and what is not; similar to my expectations of reality and how congruent I am/am not with reality.

I would like to take your advice with getting quality psychotherapy, as I have in the past with a great counselor, but with summer coming to an end I can’t guarantee I will be able to get to her. However, I do feel a lot of relief talking about my emotions and getting to understand myself better through here, with you Anita. I appreciate your ability to help and acknowledge my troubles, our troubles here on the site.

If I may ask… what would be some good ways to go about getting realigned with reality so that I can become congruent with the present and my current relationship. This relationship that I’m in I value a lot, despite what I have talked about previously with my girlfriend and her negative emotions. I think it’s just a greater struggle with triggers coming from different areas? I need to be able to handle my girlfriend when she gives me different responses, emotions, etc.

Scott