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Staying for Our Daughter

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  • September 5, 2017 at 7:42 am #166976
    Emelle
    Participant

    My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have been through a lot of difficult times, and recently we stopped couples therapy because he was not willing to do the work. Although things have been conflictual in the past, we are now able to live as coparents and roommates with hardly any conflict. We’ve decided that it is best to try to stay together for our daughter. She is 12 and has a lot of issues with anxiety, and neither of us wants to subject her to a divorce and shared placement.

    I need to work on accepting the situation. I have some anger and resentment that my husband is not committed enough to our marriage to be willing to work on things. Recently, we took a short vacation with our daughter, and I got my hopes up that he might be motivated to behave differently. That was not the case, and I’ve struggled with increased pain and anger since our return.

    Is anyone else in this situation?

    September 5, 2017 at 10:24 am #167032
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Emelle:

    I am not in your situation, co parenting a child. Or living with a husband as a roommate.

    If you are still open to communication  with me, I want to bring up something: you wrote that you don’t want to subject your daughter, who is already suffering from anxiety, to “a divorce and shared placement”.

    Problem is, she is presently subjected to the tension between you and your husband living as roommates, and to you “increased pain and anger” as you are not at peace with the situation with your husband.

    anita

    September 5, 2017 at 11:31 am #167066
    Emelle
    Participant

    You are right: this choice is a matter of balancing pros and cons. However, the level of tension between my husband and me is minimal, and I am working to diffuse my negative feelings to make the situation work.

    I went through a divorce 14 years ago, and I know what that is like. I know the stresses divorce poses to a family: financial, emotional, logistical, and so on. I know how it affected my older children. I believe that divorce would be worse for my youngest daughter than what I am now choosing to do. I am not committed to staying in my current marriage forever, but I believe if I can stay at least until my youngest graduates from high school, that will be what is best for her.

    My question is really about living day-to-day in a less than ideal situation, and whether anyone else has experienced that.

    September 5, 2017 at 5:51 pm #167132
    Reji Renee Smith
    Participant

    Emelle,

    As a divorcee, my heart bleeds for you in this situation. However, and this is just from an outside prospective & something I would say to a girlfriend over coffee but, what do you want to teach your daughter? With what you have already said about “I am not committed to staying in my current marriage forever, but i believe if i can stay at least until my youngest graduates from high school, that will be what is best for her.” Is it? I had to ask myself this many times, but is it really ” the best thing”. I believe some times that your daughter or any child can really benefit by seeing their parents own up and do what is truly best for themselves. Now, I would never, ever ask or want you to do anything that you see as not best for her, but do we always really know what that means? Would staying in a loveless, unhappy marriage teach her anything? Would she feel guilty looking back that her parents stayed married for her “happiness”? Will she grows up and end up with a partner that treats her mediocre at best because subconsciously it is “what she knows”.

    Even if your life is tolerable, Emelle…is that what life should be…tolerable? I know the idea of a broken home and divorce on an already anxious child is not “the dream” but give her the chance to surprise you as children often do. Some of her unhappiness may come from her sensing an unhappiness or unease in her parents that she cannot fix. I think there comes a time that we have to teach our children that life is short. That doesn’t mean just go out and do WHATEVER we want, but I think that the greatest lesson you could teach your growing daughter is that life is for the taking and sitting back and being with a man that treats you the way he does is not teaching her anything but to accept that we can’t change our position in life.

    As an anxiety sufferer, I know this is all way easier said than done. (you have done it before also, so you know) The first step is the hardest- dream big for yourself and dream big for your daughter. There will be anxiety in her life, forever. If you can teach her healthy ways to live with and conquer her anxiety instead of hiding her away from them, it may help more so in the long run & If your husband doesn’t want to step up and do the work, maybe it is best you get her out of that situation anyways. We all deserve to be around people who want to be in our lives and do the work to be there.  Hear this when I say, You are worthy of love, worthy of a life you don’t just tolerate.

     

    with love,

    Rej

    September 6, 2017 at 6:14 am #167306
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Emelle:

    You wrote: “My question is really about living day-to-day in a less than ideal situation”-

    My understanding is that you decided to live with your husband as co parents but you want to learn to have more peace of mind in this living situation. You wrote: “I need to work on accepting the situation. I have some anger and resentment that my husband is not committed enough to our marriage to be willing to work on things.”- clearly you did not accept the situation yet and your anger needs to be attended to, otherwise, there will be no peace of mind living with him in any context, is there?

    You wrote: “Recently, we took a short vacation with our daughter, and I got my hopes up that he might be motivated to behave differently. That was not the case, and I’ve struggled with increased pain and anger since our return”- you still hope for a loving, happy marriage.

    To understand better and hopefully to offer anything of value, I ask: what are those behaviors on his part that you are referring to, what is it that he was not willing to work on in the context of the couple therapy you attended?

    anita

     

    September 6, 2017 at 8:35 am #167334
    Emelle
    Participant

    Yes, acceptance of the situation is what I want to achieve. I need to let go of the hope for a loving, happy marriage.

    He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago and has struggled to accept the diagnosis, to take medications that manage his symptoms, and so on. His reluctance to take medications has been a sore point between us. He currently takes enough medication to manage the worst of his symptoms, but he remains irritable, depressed, distant and closed. He isn’t interested in the things we used to do together. He isn’t interested in being emotionally intimate or physically intimate. He has quit individual therapy because he doesn’t think it helps him. (I think therapy could be invaluable for him, as it has been for me, but he doesn’t put in any effort other than sitting in the sessions.) Our couples therapist would give us exercises like putting a note of gratitude into a jar every day and sharing them once a week, and he would put in maybe one thing and then hated doing the exercise because he felt like it was a competition (even though I told him however much he put in was fine and it wasn’t a competition). Our couples therapist told me privately that he has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old, and he doesn’t seem interested in doing the work necessary to grow beyond that.

    So it’s not like we are fighting or anything. He’s just distant, closed, passive, and not interested in being otherwise. I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years trying this or that, trying to encourage him to be more engaged and close, but I guess whatever we used to have is gone. At least from his perspective.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Emelle.
    September 6, 2017 at 8:48 am #167342
    Emelle
    Participant

    Rej,

    Thank you for your kind message. Your perspective is exactly how I looked at things during my first divorce, and perhaps it’s relevant now too. It’s a difficult decision for sure. It is hard balancing all the negatives I know are involved in divorce against the potential negatives you cite of staying in the marriage for her. I guess I would just say that at this time, I think staying is best. For one thing, I haven’t been employed for over 12 years, and I’m 50 years old. I’m doing things right now that might make me more employable, so perhaps this will end up being a transitional period.

    It helps that my husband and I are able to live peacefully and treat each other respectfully. My daughter probably does sense some tension and sadness, but it’s not a situation that I feel is as harmful to her right now as a divorce would be. I do work with her on coping strategies and so on (I also have anxiety, and both she and I have seen therapists for help in coping skills), so I’m not trying to keep all anxiety-producing issues away from her. I just think that the current situation is better for her right now. And it’s not like I’m miserable. I’m sad–I wish my husband were willing to work on things and be close and intimate and happy again. But I’m doing a lot of volunteer work, and I enjoy being available to my daughter all the time and not just 50% of the time. It’s just hard to let go of hope, you know?

    But it may be that I end up going with a divorce too. I guess right now I just want to work on accepting where I am and letting go of what isn’t.

    September 6, 2017 at 10:56 am #167382
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Emelle:

    You want to accept your situation with equanimity, peace of mind, and let go of the hope for a loving, happy marriage.

    You wrote that your couples therapist told you privately “that he has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old”- this means that you are living with two children: your 12 year old daughter and a 13 year old boy in a man’s body (who is able to have a job and support you and your daughter, correct?)

    You take your 12 year old’s anxiety into consideration as you interact with her, as you make choices regarding her life. In a similar way, you can consider your … new roommate’s mental immaturity and challenges as you interact with him. If you see him as a boy with mental challenges, you may no longer expect from him what is realistic to expect from a mature, mentally healthy man. Seeing him in a way that is congruent with reality may give you that peace of mind.

    anita

    September 7, 2017 at 5:28 am #167668
    Emelle
    Participant

    Anita,

    That’s a really helpful way to reframe things. Yes, my husband is a doctor and, in his professional life, is successful. It’s only emotionally that he has issues, and his mental health issues don’t appear to affect the quality of his work as far as I can tell.

    Thank you for that suggestion. That’s the kind of help in reframing I’ve been looking for. 🙂

    September 7, 2017 at 7:35 am #167684
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Emelle. Post again anytime you’d like.

    anita

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