Dear Free Moon:

You asked: “How do I approach with setting the limit without seeming like I might be controlling his actions?”

First, control is necessary in life and in relationships. As humans, to get along in relationships and in society in general, we do need to exercise self and other control within reason. Drivers need to control their driving so that driving is as safe as possible for everyone using the roads. In a similar way, he needs to control his ranting so that it doesn’t over burden you, so that you too will feel comfortable.

The idea is that the two of you will exercise reasonable self control, and that each will accommodate the other within reason.

I am thinking you don’t know ahead of time, at this point, how much of his ranting you can take without feeling significantly distressed. You can pay attention to that, maybe even check the time. You can talk to him: let him know that you understand his need to rant and that you feel distressed at one point on when he rants and you too want to be heard. If he is not familiar with the concept of reasonable self control within a relationship, and the need to make a relationship a win-win proposition, introduce these concepts to him. Then negotiate, experiment, see how it works and continue to… respectfully negotiate.

anita