Thank you so much for replying back Anita.

So my parents were living with me and my boyfriend for 4 months at stretch. I was always trying my best to keep things perfect between them, and everything went just fine.. just 10 days before they were about to leave-I got into a big (first ever) fight with my boyfriend. I pushed him and he got scared of my behaviour and packed his bag to go to his friend for 2 days. but ended up not going.  It was about him hiding text msg from his high school crush to meet over a coffee. When i actually read the text, He constantly kept giving her excuses not to meet. like busy at work, not well etc etc. He has been committed to me all the 3 years we have dated. I trust him that he had no  ill intentions seeing the girl, i just felt bad that he hide that from me. He apologised but then for 2 weeks-i was in complete no connection with my life state. i didn’t go to work, i didn’t eat properly. I got my first ever panic attack. as my parents were about to leave, i started feeling that i will be all alone when they leave, even when my bf was with me for support. But that fight just made me disconnected with him.

my parents went and i had the worst week of my life. The first day when they left-=my bf  got flowers for me . but still i was very unhappy and as result I went to see my sister for two weeks and i kept fighting with him over the phone to get married. For which he refused as we dont have stable platform in life to do that. We do talk about future getting married, as in how, when , where. We do talk about kids, house..everything. But i just got so insecured that i kept forcing him to get married. At present, i dont do that any more and trusting him that we will one day if everything works well.

Regarding the suffocation-I meant that when i question myself being with him and get angry over something, and ask him to think about us again -I feel suffocated for my own decision after an hour or so when my anger is down.and i just want to hug him.  Then i realise that i actually dont want to be away from him. I love him! But then again after 3-4 days of overthinking i start questioning again!

As of present -we both are healing of what happened. but my overthinking is killing me. I was to stop over thing and just enjoy my life with him. He is perfect boyfriend. cares for me, calls me at work, makes food when i am not well, respects my culture and my parents and bla bla ! I just want to stop overthinking.

As of my life being perfect-i meant that i have a good boyfriend, good job, few good friends, good health parents, my sister is expecting her first child-Like there is nothing to worry about.

There was another thing-Like before i use to be able to just have a glass of wine and enjoy-but now i just feel that all those things are bad and are made to hide your feelings, i feel guilty to have one! . I dont like the transformed me. I just want to enjoy my life like before!