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Anita,
That whole conversation with him changed almost everything.
My mind finally sync in with reality, and it was … a weird feeling. A thousand wave of emotions that cannot be explained.
I cried, I laughed, and I was confused because this Gyunnie was not the Gyunnie that I dated.
Of course not. Because he is no longer my boyfriend. I noticed that he tried to keep things as casual and as platonic as possible.
Very understandable.
It has been MONTHS since the break up, his feelings have changed over the course of time while mine stayed the same.
The way that he answered was very different comparing to the birthday message email back in July.
He seems more distant, and does not want to discuss anything related to our past relationship any further.
I sense that it is not because he does not care about me, it is just that our relationship is just … something from the past. Something so behind him.
He is ready for a new future since he got his acceptance letter and he seems kind of uncomfortable when I mentioned Peter (our mutual friend) – I sense it is because he just wants to get over the past.
The past is not something that he wants to remember at fondly. The past that has me, Peter, K University, Business school people, Student council … just everything about it.
And I understand him. I do not want to push him any further or initiate contact anymore.
I admit that I was very mad at everyone and everything. For separating me and him, and I feel like we are in this tragic love story of Romeo and Juliet.
I know now that he is not Romeo and I am not Juliet.
We are just not meant to be together.
and for the first time ever, I am okay with that.
Gyunnie came into my life, he taught me on how to love and accept myself and then he left.
He was just a lesson for me in my life. A memory. A memory that I slowly forget as well.
He was never meant to stay with me permanently and there was nothing that I could have done to made him stay.
It is not easy for me to type here right now to you. I am admitting everything that I refused to admit weeks ago.
And Anita,
I have little gift for you.
We have been talking here for around 4 months, we talk about my personal life and my deepest secrets, something that I never shared with anyone. Not even my closest friends, or Gyunnie.
You deserve to at least know my name.
Mina is not my real name, it is a name that Gyunnie gave to me. He lend me his last Korean name and I added that first Korean name : Mina.
Kim Mina.
That was my Korean name.
Mina is a name filled with pain, memories and just … sadness. I hide behind that name for a very long time. I felt safe using a name that Gyunnie gave. I felt a sense of belonging with him. A sense of connection, but I need to understand that the first step to be myself again is to actually … use my real name.
So, hello Anita. It is very nice to talk to you. I am Monica.
-Monica